Are. You. Ready? Come back to this post at
8pm 9pm EST and share in my excitement. Obvi, there will be wine.9:00 Parrrrrrr-tay! I cannot believe this nonsense didn’t start at 8 pm. I totally arranged my evening around an 8pm start time. Um, I really don’t need to relive any of Papa Bach’s season. Thanks ABC. Jillian, girlfriend, you are so grateful you are not stuck with that dork! Is it sad that one of things I am most excited about is seeing all of Jillian’s awesome clothes? She has great style, seriously. So far, I want everything she has worn in the last three minutes.
9:05 I love Jillian because she does seem like a normal, cool, low maintenance chick. She’s Every Girl, in a way. These porno, washing the car shots are ridic. But her purple convertible is rad. Question: What does it mean to be “marriage material”? I am going to have a seriously hard time telling the bachelors apart this season. They all have some version of date rape face.
9:12 First impressions!
Kiptyn: HOT. And he’s from my general hometown area.
Michael: The breakdancer. Um. No? Or maybe yes?
Julien: That is a tiny penis car.
Steve: Vaguely funny?
Juan: Ooh Argentina. I have a new thing for that country.
Mark: One of my gut instinct picks! I like him so far.
Kyle: YAY KYLE! LOVE.
Sasha: Eww, an oil man. I wonder how much money he’s made off our high gas prices. ANYHOO.
Wes: Country singers typically have tragic style.
Greg: No, no, no, no. He goes by BILLBRO? Or something? What?
Jake: He just LOOKS like a pilot. I mean, lord.
9:19 Jillian’s dress is gorgeous and I love her “take charge” attitude. I am going to make a few early predictions: Billbro and, hopefully, Julien get the boot. Jake stays — in fact, I’d been willing to bet THIS EARLY ON that Jake is in the final four. THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT. Jillian will keep Kyle, for now, because she appreciates a funny dude.
9:23 I cannot believe the guys are drinking champagne. Oy. I think Jillian suffered from modern female dating anxiety and her way of dealing was going on this show. I wonder what valuable lessons I shall learn from The Bachelorette this season? Hooray! Jillian does not regret getting steamy with Papa Bach in the hot tub. I mean, she should regret it because she can do better, but I’m glad she said, “That’s what you do when you’re in love” because damnit, you do. Also, I feel that I need to see more of Kyle’s “thrift store style” because his intro made it seem like he dresses like a throwback to the ’70s, but I’m hoping he just has a little indie flavah.
9:31 LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN. First up, Kiptyn. He is effing cute. I like. Next, Bryan. He is wearing a pink shirt. I am okay with guys in pink, but I think he has bad teeth. I’m sorry, I’m shallow about teeth. John P. rubs me the wrong way. I can tell Jillian doesn’t like him. CUT! Brian with an I seems like he’s only there to party. DOUCHE. Oh Jake. Damn. He might be too smooth. But he’s a sexy pilot, I mean, sexy pilots don’t get cut in the first round. It’s just against nature. And he brought her a set of wings. Melt. I am melting.
Who just said, in response to the chorus of “She’s beautiful,” “Yeah, she’s a cute girl”?
Dave’s smile also creeps me out. And is he going to cry? Oh god. Is he crying?! Or just losing his train of thought. Aww. I kind of think it’s cute that he’s that nervous.
Re: Tanner. Did the Lilly Pulitzer store outfit these boys? Michael The Breakdancer is going to last until the next round at least. He appeals to Jillian’s “kooky” side. I think I saw Jillian perk up over Robby. I predict he stays.
John H. has kind of psycho eyes. Sasha is good looking, but I can’t get past the oil thing. Sorry. Brad has a high-pitched voice. Oy. Mathue, who spells his name like a stupid idiot, is wearing a stupid hat. Ugh. No. Simon is a gigantic Englishman. Jesse wins points because he makes wine. Obviously. His teeth are weird too though.
THAT WAS JUST FIFTEEN OF THEM? Oh my god, I am exhausted already. Can we cut 15 now?
9:43 I love that the wet driveway is ruining Jillian’s dress. Julien is an effing DUD. Later DOUCHE. Um, Wes dressed down. Because he is a cowboy, remember? I bet he is wearing his church jeans. YES! Kyle!!!!! KYLE FOR THE WIN! He is so cute and adorable. He is wearing a leather members only jacket. FOR THE WIN!
Adam is wearing another shirt from the Lilly collection. Steve the Lawyer is trying to be charming. Oooh, hola Juan. Juan is kind of sexy when he doesn’t smile. His smile is too boyish. God, I am a bitch.
Caleb’s hair is stupid. Josh the Lifeguard is cutish, if easy to forget. Greg the Fitness Model Bilbro is channeling his inner Jeremy Piven, probably because he is just as short. Mark the Pizza Guy. Mmm, I like him. Yes, yes, yes. He was on my list from earlier today. I’m just saying, I have a good gut instinct. Um, you guys, I seriously thought there were 30 Bachelors. Did I forget how to count today?
OH HELL NO. A foot fetishist. YES. Wait! I bet the surprise is FIVE additional Bachelors!
9:53 WHY are all these guys wearing such hideous Palm Beach Nursing Home colored shirts?! British guy looks like Lurch. Am I alone in really liking Kiptyn, despite his lame name? So here’s my guess. Jake is TOO perfect to win. He’s like a Ken Doll. He almost could be a serial killer. Jake’s alone time has been usurped by Jesse The Winemaker. Oh Jillian. You just spoke to me in a language I understand why saying you love a Shiraz. I am drinking a Shiraz RIGHT NOW.
I’m sorry, Tanner cannot be taken seriously in a shirt that color. Just stop dude. Go change. Take off your shirt, something. Also, isn’t it a bit early for hand holding? And Tanner, don’t bring up Jason. Duh. Sorry Tanner, you’re getting the boot. Do you think Jillian gets to have a pee break? And yay! Kiptyn! Prediction: also in the final four with Jake.
In case you missed it. I have predicted KIPTYN and JAKE for the final four. Check back here that night and see me be right.
Hola Juan is back to woo Jillian with his Argentinian charms. For the record, The Sneakerhead has a better tan. Le sigh. Hola Juan’s closeness with his mom might be problematic.
Steve The Lawyer has a rather sallow complexion. He looks like he might puke. Oh dang, there’s a first impression rose…. I knew it! Five more!
10:05 Guys, why didn’t this start at 8pm? I might miss out on some bachelorette fun of my own with this going so late. Sigh. I heart Kyle. He is smart and funny. Brian, you don’t like Kyle because he actually can read. Sometimes I think these early eps are pointless. It’s easy to tell who is going to make the final six, at least.
Okay. So. How much would you guys hate me if I, um, finished this liveblog, not so live, after I go, um, have some bachelorette fun of my own? Because I am going to. Don’t hate. I need Dating Amelia material.
7:54 am So I’m catching up on the rest of the episode. I’ll get to the heart of the matter: Jillian gave the first impression rose to Dave, the dude who totes choked up when he got out of the limo. Then she gave the rest of the roses to: Jake (final four pick #1), Jesse, Wes, Mathue, Michael The Breakdancers, Robby, Ed (who the eff is Ed?), Reid (who the eff is Reid?), Simon The Sketchy Brit, Kiptyn (final four pick #2), Mike, Brian, Sasha The Oil Man, Julien, Tanner P., Mark The Pizza Guy (one of my fave picks from yesterday), Brad, Tanner F., and Hola Juan.
Which means that Adam, Bryan, Bryce, Caleb, Bilbro Baggins, John H., John P., Josh, ADORABLE KYLE, and Stephen The Boring Lawyer are going home.
Mostly pleased with Jillian’s picks, though I am totes sad for ADORABLE KYLE. I suggest Adorable Kyle go on OK Cupid.