I recently read Jeff Mac’s very funny book, Manslations (Sourcebooks), which is basically a phrase book for ladies to help us decipher the Language of Lads. It’s certainly a time-saver for those of us used to spending hours IM’ing our friends, dissecting last night’s date’s behavior.
But the fact is, men aren’t the only ones who say one thing and mean another . . . some miscommunications transcend gender lines. Here are eight…1. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. The thought of kissing you fills me with a mix of nausea, terror, revulsion and fear. Please don’t try again. No, really.
2. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Straight, gay, man, woman, it doesn’t matter: this is universal code for “I am cheating on you.” (Though this phrase can be found on page 12 of the Cheater’s Handbook, I have yet to figure out how it came to be an acceptable explanation for infidelity, but they all use it so there must be something to it.)
3. I’m friends with all my exes. I need the ego boost that can only come from surrounding myself with people I’ve seen naked. You will see this as a positive marker of my maturity at first, but when the only friends I introduce you to are people I used to have sex with, it will quickly start to grate on your nerves.
4. I hate all my exes. The court-mandated anger management course I was forced to take didn’t work and I will probably scare the hell out of you at some point.
5. All of my exes were psychos. You will nod sympathetically the first five times I tell you this, but you’ll soon discover that I have a knack for driving people crazy.
6. Are you really going to wear that? What some might wrongly label passive-aggressive, I call being tactful. You can look forward to raised eyebrows, indecipherable muttered judgments, and gasps of disbelief, shock or horror, but on the upside, I will never ever insult you to your face.
7. I’m so nice; I’m almost too nice. I will never slap you, cheat on you, or steal money out of your wallet, and I will take great pleasure in reminding you of this whenever you get uppity. Not only that, I believe that abstaining from bad behavior is most definitely deserving of your eternal gratitude. I won’t let you forget that either!
(Well, either that or I’m a doormat.)
8. My mom and I are besties! If you’re the uptight type, holiday dinners with my family might be a little uncomfortable because I tell her everything about our sex life. What?! I can’t believe you’re annoyed! She gives great advice! Hello?! The woman had five kids! Oh, about that mole on your left butt cheek? I showed her the photo and she also thinks you should have a doctor check it out.