Behold, The Garden State Goddesses: “Real Housewives of New Jersey” Premieres!

Bravo’s “Real Housewives” series has traveled across the Hudson to the Garden State for its latest installment, and New Jersey was made for this show. Starting next week, Amelia and her consigliere John DeVore will be liveblogging every episode. Get excited! The newest housewives (Jacqueline, Teresa, Danielle, Dina, and Caroline), their “construction” workers husbands, big hair, big nails, and McMansions decorated like a Medieval Times dinner show won’t let us down. Seeing as though I can’t survive a Tuesday without a h’wife episode, here are the top five moments of Jerz genius so far.

  1. It’s all about the “buh-bies”—boobs to you and me. Teresa doesn’t have any (but she’s got one hell of an ass according to her “entrepreneur” husband), Danielle has lopsided ones (put the “workout” scene on slow-mo, and you’ll see), Jacqueline has got some big ones straight out of Vegas, and Dina’s tennis game is deeply affected by hers.
  2. Who needs college when you can be “the face of a strip club and car wash”? Or so says Caroline’s youngest son, who prefers starting businesses to higher education. Actually, I have to give it to him because buh-bies sell, no matter what the Dow is doing that week. Especially in the Jerz.
  3. If you want a social life, you better have high-maintenance hair. The hilariously misnamed Chateau Salon is like Skull & Bones—get in and all of life’s doors automatically swing open. Or something like that. Want a friend? Get a blow out. Want to be invited? Show up uninvited and try to beg your way in. Need a download of the latest gossip? You’re just a highlight session away!
  4. Madonna’s got nothing on Danielle. Pul-ease. Not only was she the first one in the STATE OF NEW JERSEY to get a black AmEx, she even beat out Madonna.
  5. Who needs friends when you can have a kid? I think I counted four out of the five h’wives call their daughters their “best friends.” Whatever happened to the 16-year-old being your child? And let’s look at Teresa “I don’t want to be a stage mom” Giudice (the black-haired housewife who’s tricking out her house with a rock quarry) and her lip-glossed, fah-bu-LOUS model children. The poor kid is getting called out in the middle of dance practice for her over-rouged face! Oh, dear.