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22 Things You Should Never Do In Bed

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Once, I got drunk at a wedding and took home a yuppie. He looked so cute in his white tux and charmed me into dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to take that stallion for a ride. But, as I unzipped his pants, he said, “Don’t get excited, you won’t be impressed.” A small penis never ruined my good time — until then. Things went from bad to worse. He was a deep-breathing whiner who just lay on his back because, he warned me, “Girls only get off when they’re on top.” Something tells me those other ladies weren’t given any other option — and they definitely didn’t orgasm. There are some things — like selling yourself short and telling someone how to get off — that you should never say or do during sex …

  1. Scream someone else’s name.
  2. Admit you have an STD — after you’ve already had sex.
  3. Ask to borrow money.
  4. Watch TV, unless it’s porn.
  5. Mention your mother, father, or any other relative, for that matter.
  6. Baby talk (example: “Put your wee wee in my no-no place.”)
  7. Snort like a pig.
  8. Roll your eyes because you’re bored, not ecstatic.
  9. Puke, fart, or you know.
  10. Cry.
  11. Point and laugh, no matter where you’re pointing.
  12. Ask if your dog/cat/pet can hop on the bed.
  13. Complain about a body part, whether it’s yours or his.
  14. Make your grocery list.
  15. Itch like a bitch.
  16. Check your Blackberry, write a text, or Twitter.
  17. Mention your time in prison.
  18. Try to tell a joke. Knock-knock?
  19. Make fun of your partner.
  20. Compare the sex to the way your ex did it.
  21. Set a stopwatch.
  22. Do an impression of their O face.
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