Recapping “Gossip Girl”: The Wrath Of Con

OMFG this episode was actually F-U-N in spots! Can you believe it? Neither can I! Well, don’t worry. I’m sure next week’s episode will be supreme crossover lameness to pimp the new Lily-is-young-in-the-‘80s series. But today it’s still 2009, and I’m still basking in the afterglow of a sorta-good episode.

To review: Serena’s ugstown boyfriend Gabriel stole a bunch of money through a Ponzi scheme and disappeared. In this episode, Serena lures him in with a false pregnancy claim and then gets him to admit everything. He’s wearing softest powder blue and has a weird sudden fake tan. Because she’s stupid, she doesn’t involve the police but instead tries to play Encyclopedia Brown. In a key nonsensical moment in the beginning of the episode, Serena’s mom gives her a bracelet that once belonged to S-dawg’s great-grandmother. Lily says something ludicrous about being “proud” of Serena. Um…for what, exactly? Sleeping with a man thirty years her senior? Having really thick extensions? Serena feels all squirrely inside because she knows Gabriel pulled a fast one and Lily doesn’t…yet.

Enter Dan Humphrey, the boring rat of this episode. While the rich kids are having fun trying to take Gabriel and Poppy down, Dan is busy frumping around Brooklyn being a po-pants. He’s discovered that Gabriel scammed his father out of 40K, so he sneaks up on Lily and whines that Serena’s Harriet the Spy routine is derailing truth, justice, and the American way. Shouldn’t they just tell the teacher so that Gabriel and Poppy can go to detention like they deserve?

Lily, who receives this sad information whilst clad in many sad shades of ecru, is aghast. She decides that to keep the “scandal” out of the papers, she will use her dead husband’s money to return the moolah to the investors. She tells Serena as much, but Serena is all, “No way, but I have a plan that I made in my very own brain!” and Lily’s all, “Serena, you’re dumb.”

Theeeeeen there’s some dumb subplot about Rufus wanting to propose to Lily. Jenny jabbers needlessly. Someone needs to cut her bangs.

For some reason, Chuck and Serena blindly accept Gabriel the Con Man’s assertion that Poppy has all the money and that he, Gabriel, has in fact just been used. And so everyone blames the girl, because that’s what you do in high school.

Blair decides to sic Georgina on Poppy, but finds that the spiritually-renewed Georgina isn’t quite as up to the challenge as Whoregina from last season. Finally, Blair convinces Georgina that the best way to get Blair to forgive her is to act as Blair’s agent in a scheme to con the con lady. Georgina trustingly agrees. Hallelujah!

Meanwhile in 1996, Lincoln Hawk is talking to Eric, and asking for his permission to marry Lily. Eric reminds Deep Blue Something that Lily has been married four times and is kind of crazy. Duncan Sheik insists he’s into it. Eric says, “OK then,” and then everyone plays with Pogs and jams to Three Doors Down. Also, this proposal thing never occurs because Lily starts acting like her evil mother and Rufus is totes skeeved out.

Dan snitches on Serena again, telling Lily that the whole gang is over at the Russian Tea Room, trying to get Poppy on tape so they can call the po-lice, or something. Lily is infuriated that Serena is still playing Inspector Gadget, so she tells the cops that Serena stole a bracelet from her, and she has Serena arrested. Because that makes sense. Meanwhile, Poppy gets away with the cash Georgina gives her, and then Georgina flips out because Blair yells at her for not getting Poppy arrested, and it’s all confusing and weird and in the end Serena, who is wearing some sort of high-fashion chain mail, is getting booked and Georgina snaps back into bitch mode and enacts some elaborate scheme to destroy Poppy.

Oh, and also Blair and Nate aren’t moving in together, and Chuck tells Blair he isn’t in love with her, but then he tells Serena he actually is, but he knows he can’t make Blair happy. Thankfully, Vanessa is nowhere to be found throughout this entire episode. Except during the terrible Dove commercials I didn’t watch.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize this episode wasn’t actually very good. Oh, well. Next we get to see Brittany Snow making adorable faces as ‘80s Lily, with her weirdly Goth sister. And Grandma CeCe is back, which is always mighty entertaining.

Can someone on this show just spontaneously burst into flames, already?