10 Things That Are More Dangerous Than The Swine Flu

This weekend, I was talking to a doctor friend of mine who calmed all of my fears about swine flu. Then I read:

“90 people get the swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.”

So true. The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of way, way, way more dangerous and scary things humans have to worry about that make the swine flu look like child’s play. AIDS/HIV, for one — plus: cancer, global warming, terrorists. After the jump, 10 more things that are way worse than swine flu.

1. Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag Procreating: Blond, blue-eyed, and “Children Of The Corn”-esque, only more dumb evil.
2. Madonna’s Architectural Scrunchy of Doom: Most frightening of all, I think it’s communicating with other scrunchies on an evil planet who are plotting the scrunchy takeover of Planet Earth.
3. The Craigslist Killer: Preppy killers are the freakiest killers of all.
4. Getting Stuck with Anna Wintour in a Stalled Elevator: Even then, I don’t think she’d make conversation or take off her trademark shades. Do you think she’d share her Evian?
5. Sarah Palin with Her Finger on the Red Button: Thank goodness we’re safe — at least until 2012.
6. Trader Joe’s Discontinuing Production of Frozen Mac N Cheese: It’s my favorite, and I’ve got a secret stash reserved in case of emergency.
7. Professional Bodybuilders: So bulging, so shiny, so freakishly tan and balloon-like.
8. Geoducks: Not only the most hideously phallic animal in the world, but the most hideous animal, period.
9. The Childbirth Trifecta — Back-Breaking Contractions, an Episiotomy, Crapping Yourself when the Baby Comes Out: Especially the last one. Scary and embarrassing!
10. Pornographic Films Starring the Octomom or Susan Boyle: We love you Suze, but we don’t want to see your salt and pepper pubes.