Five Things That Would Suck About A Woman Without A Mouth

In the most recent issue of Vice, Chris Nieratko lists 10 inventions he wishes, you know, inventors would make already. He desires a cell phone with lasers, a “titty-milk-catching bag,” and seven others things. That adds up to nine, if you’re counting. The 10th annoyed me.

A Mouthless Woman: A mouthless woman gives me no chance of future blow jobs, but really I have no chance of future blow jobs as it is and my wife has a mouth. But imagine how much quieter the world would be if we could engineer women without mouths.”

Sigh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Vice is all about tongue -in-cheek sexist/racist/homophobic humor, but I really think Nieratko has not fully considered all the things that he would miss out on BESIDES blow jobs, if women, including his wife, didn’t have mouths. For example …

1. Buh-Bye Dirty Talk: No more, “Oh, yeah, baby, your rod is so huge and hard.” Without someone to assure him his penis is gargantuan and oh-so-pleasurable, his low self-esteem would take over and convince him he’s got a little thumbelina.

2. Baby Screaming Would Drown Out Monday Night Football: No one calms a wailing infant like mommy’s soothing voice.

3. Death By Poisoning: If your wife doesn’t test your food before you eat it, Chris, won’t you burn your tongue because it’s too hot? Or, even worse, won’t your enemies successfully poison you with swine flu tainted tater tots?

4. Karaoke Would Suck: Who would sing the high notes during “Benny and the Jets”?

5. Who’s Gonna Cover For You?: When the boss calls and wonders why you’re not at work, there won’t be a helpful lady around who’s can tell him, “Oh, Chris has a terrible case of the stomach flu,” when you’re really standing in line for Coldplay tickets. When your mom phones to nag you for the hundredth time about picking up your collectible G.I. Joe dolls, the wifey won’t be able to tell her, “Chris moved to Libya.” Bummer, huh?