Five Dating Tips From Dorothy Zbornak

I used to dog sit for two of the cutest pups in the whole world.Their owners gave me strict instructions to always leave the TV on, set to Lifetime, whenever I left them alone. Without fail, when I’d come back, I’d find the dogs lying on the rug together, holding paws and watching the “Golden Girls.” Aww! Those dogs clearly learned a thing or two about how to love each other, and I bet Bea Arthur, as Dorothy Zbornak, taught them a lesson or two. She was always going out with some Tom, Dick (Van Dyke), or Dr. Harry — her neighbor/star of “Empty Nest.” Here are five things we learned from Dorothy’s dating debacles.

  1. Don’t Date A Cheater: When Dorothy reconnected with an ex after his wife died — the same wife that he was cheating on when he dated Dorothy — he convinced her that now was their chance to be together, since he was suddenly single. They nearly got married, but Dorothy realized she couldn’t tie the knot with Glen O’Brien because, even though he was played by sexy grandpa Jerry Orbach, he was afraid to be alone more than he was in love with her.
  2. Not Everyone Loves A Clown: It’s one thing to be funny like Dick Van Dyke, but it’s quite another to be a cameo character played by him who was a retired lawyer turned creepy clown. He eventually ran away with the circus, instead of Dorothy. Oh, well. You can’t get close to a man when he’s got a red rubber nose on.
  3. Don’t Live With Your Mother: Then you can’t sneak your boyfriends in without her busting your balls, er, pallas; that’s Italian for balls.
  4. Don’t Take Back Your Ex: Stan was so not the man! No matter how many times he came crawling back, even after he remarried twice, Dorothy would fall for him all over again. Damn, that sleaze could sell used cars, and by used car I mean a man like himself with a cheap rug that looked more like a floor mat.
  5. Don’t Date A Plagiarist: Back in high school, Dorothy was hot for teacher. Although she finally got to date her English teach as an adult, he wound up being a total “those who can’t do, teach.” Mr. Gordon stole kisses and her writing, which he passed off as his own in the local newspaper. Dorothy was the real poet, and she didn’t even know it until it was too late!