Bummer: The National Enquirer Is Keepin’ It Real

The National Enquirer just broke the news: Jennifer Aniston is needy, and that’s why things didn’t work out with her and John Mayer. Now, he’s in the studio, writing songs about their split for his next album, Battle Studies. [National Enquirer] — Since when is the Enquirer interested in reporting the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the boring truth? So help us, if we wanted the facts about JenAn, we would have read a recent issue of Us Weekly, GQ, Life & Style, InStyle, Elle, Star, OK!, Entertainment Weekly, or Vogue! What’s a gal gotta do to get the headline news about a psychic animal or an alien celebrity? They don’t publish ‘em like they used to. We miss the trashy National Enquirer that covered stories like the ones we found digging through Grandma’s back issues:

  • “Parrot That Can Hold Conversation With Humans”
  • “Loose Weight With Big Mac, Fried Chicken, And Pizza—Amazing Fast Food Diet”
  • “Young Psychic Healer Is Teaching His Incredible Techniques To Doctors At Leading N.Y. Hospital” (Extra amazing because the dude pictured has a graying comb over.)
  • “Govt. Officially Recognizes Ghosts”
  • “Family Eats Barbecued Meat—Finds Out It Was Their Dog”
  • “Startling Number Of People Receive Messages From Beyond The Grave”
  • “Adam And Eve Were Astronauts”
  • “Amazing Photo Shows Mysterious Force Flowing From Uri Geller” (Uh, he’s there resident psychic.)
  • “Argentine Government Officials Convinced UFOs Are Visiting Earth”