Recapping “Gossip Girl”: Seder Anything

After an excruciating hiatus, “Gossip Girl” is back! On last night’s episode, Passover was in the air, and Blair’s Jewish stepdad was back onscreen for Seder in the latest installment of your favorite meaningless teen dramedy. Also, other things happened.Serena has returned from Spain, where her socialite friend Poppy apparently broke up with her boyfriend Gabriel. Serena, being a ho, promptly scooped him up, got wasted with him, and maybe, possibly married him. Serena’s not really sure what happened. Everything that happens to Serena in this episode is pointless and bland, like polenta gone horribly awry. All you need to know is that things with Gabriel get resolved, and she decided to foist her bland affections upon him. BUT! Gabriel went back to his other very bland girlfriend Poppy. Perhaps he decided to two-time both women? Or just hump Serena and then tell Poppy about it for giggles? I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. They’re all really uninteresting human beings.

Blair ave up hope on Yale and decided to become a lady who lunches, a decision that displeased Eleanor Waldorf. You see, Eleanor is a tradeswoman, a seamstress for the band, with her pretty eyes and her pirate’s smile, but instead of marrying a music man (leave that to Lily, in a future episode) she married a mensch. The sight of aforementioned mensch/Cyrus wearing a “Shmutz Happens” apron while preparing the Passover Seder was almost enough to make me not dread the rest of the episode. Almost, but not quite. Anyway, Eleanor kept yelling at Blair to not “give up on college.”

Blair announced that she couldn’t make it to Seder because she’d be at the rehearsal dinner for Nate’s cousin Tripp’s wedding. This was apparently important because she hoped to get lady-who-lunches street-cred by securing a place as a bridesmaid in Tripp’s WASP-tastic wedding. She also wanted Tripp’s wife-to-be to get her a spot on the Whitney Museum Junior Committee. After all, Blair’s greatest dream is to organize galas to raise money to ensure that dilettantes who create sculptures out of their own armpit hair and fingernail clippings can be subsidized by the art world. Blair is so post-post-post-modern.

Upon reaching the church, she learned that she had been denied both honors, and so she struck a bargain with Grandfather Vanderbilt: She would convince Nate to go to posh white Yale instead of posh white Columbia, and Granderbilt would hook her up with a Reem Acra bridesmaid’s dress and a position on the junior committee.

Meanwhile, back in Brooklyn, Jenny made eyes at a greasy-haired greasykins by the name of Wes, whose mother owns a catering company. Jenny nabbed Dan a job as a cater waiter, but, whoops, it turned out to be at the Waldorf Seder! OMG fate is so weird and complex, right? Dan was trying to keep his gainful employment a secret because Rufus told him to focus on school and not on his family’s troubled finances. But uh-oh, the joke was on everybody when RUFUS SHOWED UP TO THE SEDER WITH LILY! Can you imagine? Zany hijinks ensued when Daniel pretended he was just a Seder guest, instead of the goy cater water he actually was. Also, Eleanor kept complaining about how long the Seder was, because she’s a heartless shiksa and that’s what you get with intermarriage. Serena showed up and was chased by Gabriel, and then Kristin Bell’s voiceover made a Spanish Inquisition reference which was really rather tasteless.

Nate hasda hissy fit at the rehearsal dinner because Cousin Tripp told him it was Granderbilt who tipped off the government that his dear Daddy Archibald was up to no good. Nate gave a bitchy toast, and Granderbilt was all, “Blair, if you don’t fix this, I’ll set you on fire,” and Blair was all, “What to do, what to do?” and then she did the right thing and supported Nate. Of course theeeeen Granderbilt told Nate she was willing to sell him out in order to be a society trollop, and Nate was all mad and Blair was all sad.

The episode ended with Cyrus making a phone call to get Blair into NYU, even though she rather rudely blew off his Seder to kiss up to the Vanderbilts. So mazel tov, Blair! “Gossip Girl” goes ethnic but once a year, and this year’s celebration of non-WASPiness had drawn to an unsatisfying conclusion.

Stayed tuned for next week, when Evil Georgina returns, and Blair and Chuck use their Encyclopedia Brown sleuthing skills to figure out that Gabriel is up to no good.