Doin’ It With Dr. V: How To Protect Your Hoo-Ha

Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

After blathering on and on about anal sex, herpes sores, and stanky vajayjay’s, I, Dr. V, am going to say something that will really shock you! I have never, ever had sex without a condom. Ever. Not even once. Okay, a guy has snuck his tip in, but I’m like a ninja about that kind of sneak attack. Now, I might be bad at sports, but I can knock out a home run if he’s headed near the ballpark in my crotch without a condom on. It’s my sixth sense — safe sex. Frankly, I just have no appetite for an unwrapped piece of candy. The only thing I’ve managed to save for marriage is condomless sex, which I hope will make it all the sweeter. If a guy wants the right to potentially risk my health, he’s gotta put a ring on it! And I know a lot of you will say that sex just doesn’t feel good with a condom on, but I can assure you, my sex is very sexy. You know what isn’t?

1. Gonorrhea
2. Panicking that the last dude you did might have left you a party favor.
3. Chlamydia
4. A man who doesn’t respect you enough to protect you.
5. Screaming in pain while peeing.
6. Herpes
7. Trying to pay back medical bills.
9. Unwanted pregnancy
10. Syphilis
11. Begging for an emergency gyno visit.
12. Having to tell someone they need to get tested because you just got your results back.

Despite humping hunks with a lot of those bummers, I’ve avoided almost all of them (‘cept 2 & 11) with one simple thing — and you can too! It’s called a condom. That’s it. I’m not a superhero. In fact, I’m a total slut who does what feels good. And ain’t nothin’ gonna cramp my style! So, while I’m laid back about what I do with my vagina and heart, my health is a another story. Even though I’m a total bottom, there’s one thing I’m on top of — protection.

Now, some guys will complain. They’ll bitch, whine, and moan about it being too tight for their giant penis or too big for their little Thumbkin, but there isn’t a peen out there that the right size condom can’t hold. Trust me, I’ve found a match for every man.

If a guy promises he’ll pull out, I tell him I’m not on birth control. Besides, the pull and pray method doesn’t work — 29 percent wind up getting pregnant.

If he swears on his mother’s life that he’s Mr. Clean, I tell him I don’t know if I am. How can he be that sure? Although I always use a condom, and I get tested every six months, that’s not foolproof. Condoms are merely the safest bet. Then, I take the opportunity to badger him about his last STD test. Did you know gonorrhea and chlamydia are on the rise? And often they don’t show symptoms, which only makes them more problematic. What girl wants to have a C-section just because she screwed a dude without a condom and got gonorrhea back in the day, long before she ever got pregs?

If he tells you that he can put it in your butt to prevent pregnancy, and that you don’t need a condom, he’s dead wrong. Remind him that he still needs to put on a love glove because you can still get all those STDs in the pooper. In fact, because the area is so sensitive, you have a greater chance of catching something nasty going through the back door.

And age ain’t nothin’ but a number. One in four teens has an STD. Even cases among senior citizens are on the rise. No one is safe, unless, well, they have safe sex!

Even if it’s just one hot night, before we even get down and dirty, I tell a dude upfront, he’s gotta cover it before we kick it! I don’t even open the door for sex until he knows the law of my lady land. Sure, putting on a condom can be a drag, but it doesn’t have to put a pause on your sexy times. You can slip the condom on him. Use your hands or your mouth to slide it on. Work it, girl! Even if you have unprotected sex once, someone can stick it to you foreva-eva. Better to be safe than sorry! So, here I am, during STD Awareness Month, begging you, baby, to take care of your business, protect your assets, and party on. All you need is love a condom!