How I Got The Clap And Other STD Stories: The Man Who Wouldn’t Pee

April is STD Awareness Month, and we asked you to share your STD-related stories so we could learn from your each other’s mistakes. If you have a tale involving sores, Valtrex, or a judgy gynecologist, send an email to [email protected]. We will keep your identity anonymous.

I picked it up from a girl one drunken, unprotected night at the New Jersey Shore (figures) over Labor Day weekend. Symptoms appeared, on schedule, the morning of the fourth day. While there wasn’t any discharge, urinating was excruciatingly painful — like no other pain I have felt before or since. It was so painful that I stupidly refrained from urinating for about 24 hours. At that point the pain from my swollen bladder began overwhelming the pain I would felt while urinating, so I starting going in little spurts. That was taking too long, so I decided to try to numb my penis by placing it in a bowl of ice water. Again, dumb idea. Not only was that separately excruciating, it did nothing to ease the pain of my inflamed urethra. I finally checked into the emergency room, hoping the doctor could knock me out and drain my bladder somehow. He leveled with me, saying I would simply have to go. Diagnosis was “Non-Gonococcal Urethritis.” I grabbed onto something in the men’s room and just lit it rip. Like Rupert in Fight Club who found his happy place while getting his chemical burn, I found my happy place. I did notice that the pain was most excruciating at the beginning of the release, and a bit into it the hurt plateaued somewhat. Once done, I received a huge shot of antibiotics in my thigh and an antibiotic to take home. My symptoms were gone in about 48 hours.

Don’t get chlamydia.