Mind Of Man: We Watch Porn, So What?

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It has recently come to my attention that there are ladies out there who think that their man drooling over pornography is tantamount to adultery. If you truly believe this, you should either dump him ASAP, with extreme prejudice, or accept that you’re going to have to live with his mistress. Dudes watch porn.

You are a girlfriend, not a warden, especially when it comes to the sanctity of his brainwaves, and the contents of said brainwaves. Thinking is not a crime.

Let’s talk about porn. But before we get into why you really need to get over the fact that your boyfriend or husband has BigJigglyPoopers.com bookmarked, let’s be honest with one another. I know for a fact that women are turned on by videos of people going at it. If I had a dime for every girlfriend I had who, at one point, sheepishly admitted to getting off to steamy, amateur lesbian porn, I’d have twenty cents. Unless you’re a time-traveling Victorian prig, chances are you’ve fallen prey to porn’s charms.

Porn is fantasy, and fantasy is the grease that the squeaky wheels of our brains crave. After all, sex is about the mind, not the pants. It’s not about slapping genitals as much as it’s about crawling inside someone’s skull and tugging the right ganglia. I have a theory that really good sex is rare, which explains our gluttonous cultural pursuit of s-e-x. Really good sex is about staring unblinkingly into another’s eyes and whispering, “I need you to trust me, not judge me. Wear this corset and talk to me in a French vampire’s accent.” If waffles are sex, fantasy is the syrup you pour over waffles.

The problem with fantasy is when it spills over into real life and warps your expectations of reality. Consuming too much porn can make it harder to reconcile the predictable tidiness of what’s on a screen with the glorious messiness of the glowing human being in front of you. Too much porn can cross the wires of a man’s libido and make him solely desirous of threesomes with giggly co-eds. And the emotional porn you ladies mainline warps your perception, too. I mean, we can’t all be Paul Rudd, OK?

Indulging in fantasy is not adultery. Now, I know many of you have “trust issues,” but you really need to get over them. You’ve been hurt before? Go write a poem on Tumblr. Trust me, you don’t want to live in a world where you can’t sex up a person you’re committed to and not be able to mentally undress hotties, take long peeps at sexy videos of naked people gurgling with pleasure, or not be able to think, “I cannot stand when this person is late!”, only to realize, once they show up, that this person is perfect, even though you know and they know you know they aren’t. You are a girlfriend, not a warden, especially when it comes to the sanctity of his brainwaves and the contents of said brainwaves. Thinking is not a crime.

Some of you may be thinking, “My man is a porn addict!” Perhaps. That is a different post. But I will add that drinking beer doesn’t make one an alcoholic. Addiction is complex, a perfect storm of physical dependency and control issues. Just because he checks YouPorn.com every once in a while on the lookout for a clip of some cute amateur chick getting railed by her boyfriend and really, really getting into it doesn’t mean he’s some kind of pervert.

I get that a lot of chicks are put off by the grotesque spectacle of a lot of the porn out there. The fake boobs, the painful contortions, the bizarre, and, let’s be honest, homoerotic emphasis on his pleasure vs. hers. I’ve interviewed a lot of porn stars in my wanton past, and I can glumly report the vast majority of them are broken, first by a flesh factory of an industry and then by a society that celebrates and scorns what they do for a living.

So, you know what? Expand his horizons and get involved in what he watches! Go to a sex shop and buy a porn together, preferably one that is chick-friendly. Explore, re-educate, subvert his habits by adopting them. Who’s clever now?

Whatever you do, don’t go looking for his stash, because you’re going to find it, especially if he says he “doesn’t have one.” Surely you have better things to do than search through his browser’s history. If he’s cheating on you, you’ll know, and you won’t have to snoop. If he’s cheating, he’s probably not looking at porn. He’s probably not sleeping with you. And he’s a douchebag — for that, not the porn.

You could accept that he has his fantasy life, and your actual sex life would be vastly improved if you invited his secret kinks over to your secret kink’s place for a slumber party. I’m guessing you love him, right? Because if his porn is a dealbreaker, chances are the porn was just a symptom of a larger problem with the relationship. If you love him, you’re going to have to shack up with his other girlfriends. If it means anything to you, besides a love of schoolgirl Asian smut, dudes are kind of … traditionalists in the bedroom. We’re fine with straight-up, let-me-stick-it-in-you sex. Try telling him what really turns you on. Watch him turn into a prude.

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