Shun, Shag, Or Marry?: The Three (New) Stooges

Zoinks! Turns out Sean Penn is joining Benicio del Toro and Jim Carrey in a re-imagining of “The Three Stooges.” Sounds … somber and earnest, with a splash of irritating slapstick? Regardless, we love threesomes. Here’s which stooge we’d shun, shag or marry …

SHUN: Jim Carrey. I mean, we loved Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as much as anyone, but there’s no way we’d consider hooking up with Jim Carrey. Aside from his string of stupid comedies and his attempts at ultra-serious drama (remember “The Number 23″? I didn’t think so), he’s oogy and annoying and his face too closely behaves like his character’s in “The Mask.”

SHAG: Sean Penn. The man’s obviously got a lot of baggage, so we’re not at all interested in a serious relationship. After all, Penn was married to Madonna when she was in her nasty club days and has been accused of domestic violence. Nonetheless, he’s hot, and an Oscar-winning talent, so we’d milk a chance to dip in his mystic river and feel his fast times for a Ridgemont high.

MARRY: Benicio del Toro. The Puerto Rican actor is known for his serious roles in award-winning movies, and we’d love to spend forevs gazing into his tortured eyes. So what if he’s always squinting like a vampire in the sun? And who cares if he could battle Robert Redford in the wrinkle category? We’d do say “I Do” to one of People’s “50 Most Beautiful People.”