Recapping “Gossip Girl”: Remains Of The J

OMG! Spoiler alert, for those of you who have yet to review your DVR’d “Gossip Girl” from last night: this episode didn’t completely suck! I know, right? Amazing! Let’s dive right into it.

First up: did they or didn’t they? Meaning Blair and Nate, of course. Turns out they didn’t, although Blair has been bringing Nate breakfast at his manse on the windswept Upper East Side moors for the past week. Try telling that to Vanessa, though. After getting a friendly text from her estranged loverboy (or so she thinks!), Our Lady of Indeterminate Ethnicity catches sight of Blair leaving Nate’s abode before school one morning. Chuck rolls up in his limo and lets V know that it was in fact he, the dastardly Bassling, who sent the false text. For you see, Charles has been stalking Blair and is convinced that Nate has resumed sticking his Archibald in her Waldorf. Vanessa resists Chuckie’s attempt to draw her into his plans for revenge, but oh: the episode’s only just begun….Serena, who some dastardly makeup artist repeatedly forces to wear white eyeliner like a Dutch rave kid from the year 2000, runs into her friend Poppy Lipton on the street. Poppy is supposedly some sort of fashion icon or hipster diva or something. She looks like a 35-year-old ex-Clearasil model wearing part of a bear suit from the Frontierland attraction at Disney World, but whatever. Poppy’s super-cool presence makes Serena long for her more popular days, but alas, she’s a changed gal and can’t go back to the days of Jagerbombs…OR CAN SHE?

Jenny declares that she doesn’t want a big deal Sweet 16 party. She wants to play board games with her extended urban family of choice, which includes her actual family, a pair of homosexuals, and two girls from her chemistry class. Gay little Eric thinks that’s a grand idea, but his big sis Serena has other ideas. Well, she has other idea—it would be far-fetched to imagine Serena having room in her brain for more than one concept at a time.

Serena sees an opportunity to steal the show in order to prove that she can still throw a great party, so she enlists Poppy’s help to throw a fabulous bash as a surprise for Little J. Along the way, Serena declares, “Every culture in the world has some form of Sweet 16 party.” Unfortunately, America Ferrera never took her aside on the set of that pants movie and explained to her that quinceañera is a fifteenth birthday party.

There’s trouble over at the Poorfreys’ Brooklyn slum. Rufus discovers that Dan’s financial aid application to Yale has been denied. Um, apparently no one has told him about the existence of private loans, so he’s all freaked out and sad. Also he is wearing berry-colored plaid, which only adds to his distress. Lily suggests Rufus sell the loft and move into the Van der Bass establishment. Everyone agrees to make concerned faces and think about it.

Dan’s psyched because some kid wrote him a gay fan letter. It’s obvious from the very beginning that the kid in question is his long-lost secret half-brother, the one Rufus and Lily believe tragically drowned the previous summer. Why is it so obvious? Because that’s how the show works. Also, they showed a clip from the adoption episode in the teaser trailer before the show. We can only hope that Danny’s gay brother is also horny for writers, and will hump his Humphrey half-brother before the two urchins discover that they share a father. That would be so awesome.

Blair walks with Nate through snowy Central Park. Her fetching berry (again with this color) chapeau is very 1930s, much like the economic troubles that will touch no one on this show. Blair and Nate actually aren’t having an affair, although Blair has made it plain that she wants to be with him, and Nate seems at least tangentially interested. He wants to Do The Right Thing and break up with Vanessa before deciding to do anything else. Then he flounces off to meet her, leaving Blair cold and unsatisfied.

Vanessa strolls into a diner where Nate waits for her. He is all, “Whatevs, it’s totes ovesies, it’s been coming for awhile” and Vanessa is pissed because he doesn’t admit to humping Blair (because, like, he isn’t), so she’s all, “Eff this!” and shoots off to Chuck’s house, where she finds him…dressed in berry! Anyway, she’s all about teaming up with C-Money in order to embarrass Blair and Nate, or something.

Back at the Blair Bitch Projects, B-town is fretting over why Nate hasn’t shown up at her subsidized housing. “Maybe girl from Brooklyn cry,” Dorota muses. “Mr. Nate nice boy, he wipe tears, he touch her hair, she touch his…”

“DOROTA!” Blair shrieks in agony. It is possible that her pretty but undoubtedly very itchy blue-grey mohair sweater is also causing her pain at this moment.

Then Nate shows up, and does not make out with Blair, which makes Miss Blair very sad indeed. So she drinks a bottle of champagne by herself, and Dorota says not a word, reflecting that at least it isn’t vodka made from rotten potato.

Alrighty-roo, time for Jenny’s big party! Jenny is aghast that the party is all fancy and filled with people she doesn’t know. She immediately perceives that Serena threw the party to make herself look good. Jenny does the only thing she knows how to do, which is be an insufferable brat. She emails Gossip Girl about the party, and everybody and their mama shows up to screw up Serena’s once-chic soiree. Poppy bounces, claiming the party has gotten too packed with drunk children, but we all know it’s because Serena’s hair extensions have looked ratty throughout this entire episode. Chuck and Vanessa show up and see Blair flirting with Nate. Vanessa flips out and commences making out with Chuck. Blair and Nate are skeeved out, and then Blair tries to hump Nate, only he’s not having it, because he still wants to Do The Right Thing.

The cops show up, and so do Lily and Rufus, who are super-pissed about the wrecked house and big-ass party. Jenny won’t own up to her part in the mess, other than to point out that when the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drum, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes, so Lily blames Serena, who throws a sulky fit and takes off for Spain with Poppy Lipton and her boyfriend, because it’s just that easy.

The episode concludes with Blair and Nate happily making out near the ducks in Central Park. Dan calls the fan who wrote to him, not realizing that he’s calling his half-brother, and the half-bro’s creepy adoptive parents pick up the phone and flip out. Chuck and Vanessa are now in a sex-only sexytime sexual relationsexship. Which must be entertaining for the actors, who are allegedly making sexytime in real life. Jenny and her favorite geighz are playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos and Lily is smiling over them benevolently when she receives a most distressing message from Serena announcing her unplanned trip to the land of the swarthy, thieving Spaniards. Lily is terrified because Serena banged the entire Armada the last time she was in Spain.

Join me again next week, when Serena figures out that she drunkenly married a Spanish dude, and Chuck inevitably has sex with someone.