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Isabella Rossellini Has A Six-Foot-Long Penis

In our science classes growing up, we learned about cell reproduction, animal reproduction and, of course, human reproduction. We wish Isabella Rossellini’s “Green Porno” had been around back when we were in seventh grade so we could have learned the birds and the bees while having a laugh, rather than squirming in our seat every time our teacher said the word “sperm.”

“Green Porno” is a series of short films, all two minutes or shorter in length, that show Rossellini dressed up as various creatures (including a whale with a six-foot dick) and explaining in her beautiful Italian accent the various details about how they procreate.

Rossellini has always been interested in animal behavior, ever since she was a little girl, and she decided to focus on the sex lives of animals in her short film series because, well, sex sells. “Not many people are interested in animal behavior, but everyone is interested in sex,” she tells us. So, she decided to make the series about how animals have sex, because it would be “varied, and scandalous, and different.” The short films aren’t meant to illuminate us on our own sex lives — after all, a barnacle probably doesn’t share the same sexual problems as you — but Rossellini does want you to learn something. “It’s supposed to be funny,” she says. “I would like the first reaction to be a laugh, and the second reaction to be, ‘Oh, I didn’t know that about animals!’”

The second season of “Green Porno” starts April 1, but if you haven’t seen the first season, catch up on it now at SundanceChannel.com/GreenPorno. Seriously, you should watch it. Sex hasn’t been this comical since your first time.

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