Liveblogging “America’s Next Top Model”

Don’t forget! Tonight at 8 pm EST, I’ll be liveblogging yet another episode of that hot mess masquerade they called “America’s Next Top Model.” I need Tyra to do something crazy, and soon. Or I need Mr. Jay to get bitchy with the girls. Everything has been far too nice so far this season. Oh, and will my beloved Cokey last another week? Let us pray! 7:55 Deep thoughts time. This is the highlight of my week. Because on Wednesday, I liveblog “Top Model,” which allows me to say to people, “What? I have to watch it for work,” and then I get to watch “Lost.” And I’m eating green bean salad. Pure bliss and I’m not even drunk yet. Ugh, pure bliss is being thwarted by the fact that my cheap microwave totally made my burrito soggy. Whatevs. TOP MODEL TIME! Wanna be on top? Top. Top. Top.
8:01 Question. Why haven’t they done “Top Model: All-Stars”? They could have past contestants — girls who didn’t win — compete against each other for a second chance at a modeling contract. Wouldn’t you love to see Bianca fight it out with, like, Tiffany or something?
8:05 Ahh, Tahlia. Let the whining begin. YES! TOCCARA! The most successful model to come out of this s**tshow! Toccara is stressing the importance of personality. She would know, as TyTy cut her the second she wasn’t portraying the bubbly and bodacious big girl stereotype. Don’t just rely on your looks ladies!
8:09 Oh nooooo, not the hateful Benny Ninja. “An amazing poser.” What does that even mean?! So get this. Designers play MUSIC to inspire the models to POSE. Also, this show is ridiculous and this challenge is stupid. Because as usual, they are being encouraged to take everything literally. Celia tots used to go to raves. I can tell by the way she broke that track DOWN. Yo. Tahlia is going to get the ax for the same reason Toccara did — lack of personality — but in Tahlia’s case it’s going to be true. Also, Cokey, loves you forever, but you should have channeled all those late nights you’ve spent dancing in grimey warehouses for this challenge.
8:18 You know, London was so cute. But they made her FUGS with that haircut. Wait. I have never ever heard of these designers. Also, do they make costumes for drag queens? Oh god, these clothes are terrible. Why would any of them WANT to win one of these looks? Shouldn’t the prize be a little more motivating? Oh God, Cokey is up. I think I need to change her name to Jenny Humphrey since she looks so much like Taylor Momsen. Anyhoo, Kortnie (that’s how you spell her name?) sucks. Celia is definitely the early favorite to win the whole thing. She’s weird looking, which helps. Um, also, she really looked like a man there. This is awesome, the crowd HATES THEM ALL.
8:23 Eww it’s Natalie versus Celia. Go Celia! Celia wins, cause Natalia loses her cool and almost fell. Oh man, back to Tahlia whining. Seriously everyone sucked sister, you’re not alone. I am so bummed this chick has turned out to be such a whiny quitter.
8:28 Is today’s shoot about immigrants? Okay Tahlia, quit. I am so sick of your voice. STFU. Whine whine whine. UGH. They are tots doing a shoot at Ellis Island. This should be offensive! Ohhh, so I guess they are going to use old timey cameras and have to pose very stillllll alongside Hate Benny Ninja. Okay, so they’re playing poor immigrants standing super still. This is lame. Jay says Sandra is giving enough drama. Maybe you should have made her look for starving.
8:32 London is channeling Kate Winslet and trying to seem really sad. Natalie is actually being kind of smart by creating a character to play. Kortnie with her weird name and her barely plus-sizeness is not going to last long. Jay obvi hates her. Why did Tahlia get such a FANCY immigrant costume? Is she a rich immigrant? An immigrant going straight to a party? Also, Tahlia, despite whining non-stop, is actually doing well. Will she STFU now. The Humph is up — she looks like a gypsy. I think Tahlia could still get eliminated because of her lack of confidence. So the rest of the chicks want to rat out Tahlia to TyTy for being so wishy washy about staying in the competition so they can ensure that she goes home. Even though I get where they’re coming from, it’s kind of a shady move. Also, isn’t TyTy just, like, sooooo goooooood at reading people? Won’t she be able to tell that Tahlia isn’t all that she seems?
8:39 I don’t think Tyra likes tattletales so I think they’re plan may backfire, unless Tahlia manages to sink herself. Who else could go home? Definitely think that Sandra or Kortnie is in the bottom two. The models this year have better fashion sense, which is a relief. Have they explained by Miss J does her hair like that?
8:43 Tiana’s photo came out really well. London’s face looks pretty, but her pose blows. Sandra looks like an obese woman in her photo because she had so many layers on. The Humph looks awesome. I LOVE THE HUMPH! I knew Cokey could do it! Amina looks suppppper pretty. Fo made the same mistake London did. Natalie did a pretty awesome pose and she looks like Keira Knightley. Ahh yes, Kortnie. They hate Kortnie. Kortnie and Sandra are definitely in the bottom three. Will Tahlia join them? Well, the judges LOVES Tahlia. LOVE her. The judges SO want her to do well — they need their sob story around a little longer. Here comes Celia — oh, they’re not fans. Surprising. But I think Hateful Benny Ninja will have her back. Oh hey, TyTy made an immigrant joke!
8:51 The judges are trying to decide who to cut. I don’t think they’ll cut Tahlia, but will the girls saying anything? I am, like, on the edge of my seat. I think Kortnie is screwed. Or Sandra is. Ugh, let’s cut to the chase already. In order: Tahlia, Tiana, The Humph, Natalie, London, Amina, Celia, Fo. As I predicted, Sandra and Kortnie in the bottom two. Will someone rat out Tahlia?! Will they?! EDGE OF MY SEAT. Kortnie has her hand on her hip, which conveys some serious attitude. They’re both too pretty to win, obviously. Ahh yes, they’re getting rid of Kortnie. Oh god, Celia is about to say something! Oh damn, she is CALLING HER OUT. Oh wow, and now TyTy is reeeeeeming Celia! See, TyTy doesn’t like to be informed of gossip. She likes to create it or sniff it out herself. Oh damn, Celia you are SCREWED. Tyra, you probably should have at least asked Tahlia to respond before tearing Celia a new a-hole.