Liveblogging “America’s Next Top Model”

Y’all, my DVR messed up and I missed last week’s episode! What did I miss? Oh, nothing? Wait, did I miss makeovers? Please tell me I didn’t miss makeovers! Anyhow, check back to this post at 8pm EST, as I dissect Mr. Jay’s latest hideous ensemble, question Ms. Jay’s sanity, and praise the Goddess Of Fierce aka TyTy. 8:01 Noooo I did miss the makeover episode! Tragic! Damn you cable company!
8:04 Have there been any standouts so far? I will say, the girls are actually pretty this year. Ahh Tahlia, the Token Tragedy of this season. I actually think she seems pretty awesome, but of course she won’t win. Oh dear Natalie. You may have experience, but, um, you haven’t been successful so clearly it hasn’t worked out that well for you. Oh sweet, Alison got the drug addict makeover with that blonde hair. Very cokehead. Loves it. Oh Miss Jay. No. What’s with stealing the Charm School theme?
8:08 Fo is a lil’ short no? Shouldn’t she have been saved for next season, “America’s Next Top Short Model”? Also, what happened to London? I remember her being cute, but now she looks like some sort of rave outcast. Oh Bianca! Everyone duck! She’s the chick that beat the crap out that “Hairspray” diva! Chantal and Bianca are from my least favorite season of “Top Model,” when that chick with the Beatle/Monkees bob won. Such a farce.
8:13 Tahlia needs to suck it up. Natalie is a pain in the ass. Ignore her. Officially declaring Allison my fave. Not sure why. I think because she looks like she should be on “Gossip Girl.”
8:19 Who do you think gets in trouble when TyTy doesn’t like a makeover? Mr. Jay? Jill Stuart is a pretty good get for this ghetto show, I have to say. Oh man, I hope Natalie falls! Okay, this is suchhhhh a fake show. This is so not fashion week. Oh Natalie, that spin was horrible. C’mon Alison! You can do it! The chick with the bleached buzz cut is pretty fierce. I missed her name. Alison’s walk sucked. Fo looked pretty awesome. Maybe I like Lil’ Fo.
8:25 Oh dude, they called Allison’s walk “cute and quirky.” She is so this season’s version of Heather, the autistic chick from a few seasons ago. I am over Tahlia’s whining. Wah wah, I have no confidence. Wait a second, despite Natalie’s twirl, she WON? WHAT? LAME. I predict Tahlia is going home. TyTy is always just waiting for the perfect excuse to get rid of the Token Tragedy or the Token Plus Size girl.
8:30 Basically everyone at The Frisky is under 5’7″ — should we try out for Top Model? I know we missed the Stampede Try Out but maybe we could send in tapes… The Frisky’s office used to be RIGHT where they’re doing the shoot! We could have been in the background. GAH! Oh, this photographer is kind of hot. Wait. What the hell is the challenge? I am confused. They are supposed to be different types of women based on location? AND NOW THEY ARE BY MY OLD APARTMENT! Why didn’t I ever seeeeee them??? Next up, Soho artists. Please, there are no real artists in Soho anymore. Soho is too expensive. Soho LESBIANS. I get it.
8:34 Nannies. Upper East Side? Oh wait, the snotty women are on the UES. Where were the nannies? They never said. ALlison is sucking because she says it’s not really her thing, being the snobby UES person. Ugh, I hate this shoot. It is STUPID. Now, Times Square Tourists. Why aren’t they wearing fanny packs? HAHA, Mr. Jay hates Natalie! And Tahlia is finally pulling it together. She better bring it to panel, because TyTy is lookin’ to cut her ASAP, you know it. Y’all, I miss Janice Dickinson. They need a bitch on panel and they just don’t have one.
8:42 Wait, what? The rules to owning your inner fierceness? Is TyTy writing a book? Also, has anyone ever seen a fashion spread shot by Nigel Barker in any reputable magazine? I like the redhead chick — who is that? Is she supposed to be the plus size? Courtney. I need to remember their names!
8:46 The judges like the Wall Street model chicks. Amina’s best shot to date. Haven’t they only had, like, three photo shoots? Yay Lil’ Fo! The Nannies did well too. Oh good, Tahlia did as well as expected, and Natalie sucked! Bwaha! See what happens when you’re cocky?
8:49 I am so starting Campaign SAVE ALLISON right now. I don’t have much time — 11 minutes — but let’s hope Natalie goes home, not my little Cokey. Why isn’t this little update on Bianca discussing her recent trouble with the law? Also, commenters, I do not like this anti-Allison sentiment. SAVE ALLISON!


8:53 So who do we think won? I think the blond buzzcut nanny won — what’s her name again? I swear, I need to do flash cards. SANDRA! They tots hate Natalie.
8:55 Allison = Freaky. In the good sense. SAVE ALLISON! Sandra won! I knew it! Courtney is yet another reason I kind of want to dye my hair red. It’s so pretty. WHAT?! They saved NATALIE? She’s not even in the bottom two?! LAME. I am worried. It’s between Allison and Nijah. What the hell was Nijah’s photo? I am so confused. HOORAY! My prayers were answered! Cokey lives another week! Bye bye Nijah. I had no idea who you were.

NEXT WEEK: Are they sending the models to the Apollo Theater? Whatevs. Thanks for joining me this evening ladies! Either myself or a guest blogger will be liveblogging ANTM next week. Holla!