Seven Ways To End A Relationship

A recent article from Men’s Health lays out 16 ways a guy can save his relationship with his lady, most of which are remarkably idiotic. While I agree that talking to your girlfriend rather than you best buddy about your relationship (#8) is probably a good idea, I’m worried that the other 15 suggestions are just leading men down long, lonely roads of cold shoulders and sexless nights. After the jump, a few of the so-called relationship-savers that sound especially destructive.

#2 No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she’s screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)

The best way to insure a woman doesn’t kill you in your sleep probably isn’t instigating a screaming match with her right before bed. Call me crazy, but it seems like there are plenty of other ways to find out whether she “gives a damn” or not, like, I don’t know, engaging her in grown-up conversations.

#5 Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you’ll have a strip-maul.

Unless “strip-maul” is a euphemism for a busted lip and a face full of pepper spray — and I don’t think it is — that’s not what you’re going to have after mauling your girl when she least expects it. See, women are funny in that they don’t really enjoy being mauled. I know, so confusing! Next thing you know, we’ll be telling you how much we like flowers and chocolate.

#9 Go Gomez Addams on her. Speak Spanish. Dance the Mamushka. Kiss her from her wrist to her armpit. Blow up a train set together. Cara mia!

I don’t even understand this. Blow up a train set together? Are we 8? And speak Spanish? That’s your big idea for saving our relationship? Hola?! That’s what going to keep me invested? And…just stay away from our armpits already, seriously.

#10 Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.

If you are such a slob that one single “unsolicited act of cleanliness” is going to be a huge blip on the radar, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands than a relationship that’s heading south. Here’s an idea: practice cleanliness and good personal hygiene on a regular basis and maybe keeping a girlfriend around won’t be such a hard-core challenge.

#11 This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.

Why do we have to be dragged to a grocery store just because you want to make us a great dinner? Wait, are you even making us a great dinner, or are you just accompanying us to the store to make sure we buy “body paint” before we’re suckered into cooking dinner for you? I’m confused. How about you go to the store on your own, buy ingredients for a lovely dinner, and cook it up for us later without bugging us or help every 5 minutes? And leave the “body paint” in the condiment aisle, please.

#15 Organize a cheesy diamond-commercial moment—like reproposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of family. Overwrought? Yeah, but do the math: jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.

Every part of this equation is wrong. If you’ve already proposed and we’ve said yes, you can’t just “repropose” every time you want to win some brownie points. It doesn’t work that way. And even if you could “repropose,” doing so in front of our parents is so lame we might just say ‘no’ this time around.