For The Week Of March 16-22, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

So what if you’re feeling a littler pushier this week and you want your baby to get off his ass and start doing more with himself than just turning into a parasite? This is not the time to be too sympathetic to anyone’s plight, but your own. Get the balance back in your own mind and screw the rest. If you can’t teach by example, consider it a lost cause.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your anal energy will be going up a few notches, but this will be a perfect time to start using this special power to screen your life through and see what is basically adding or subtracting from the equation. Yes, this is your time to organize and gain maximum efficiency over all your matters and realize you can dominate.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Forget making plans, as they’ll only create expectations and a downward spiral to your current state of bliss. Best to just hop on this ride and take it where it will, as trying to make any predictions will only slow you down and prove nothing. Surprises are best when they actually are allowed to be surprises.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Everyone, even you, needs a little love and tenderness once in a while and for that, this is your perfect time to settle into a calmer state of mind and go private for just a few. If attached, this will give you time to get back in sync with your honey in a more familial way. If you’re single, this will give you space to get sense of clarity that’s been lacking.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Let your mind wander and take you off to a fairy never land where all is perfect and sweet and the way reality should be, if you were in control. While this isn’t going to turn out a miracle, this will help you get a greater sense of what you need to learn and how you need to step it up. Yes, dare to go off the beaten path and realize there is way more than meets the eye.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Get you party dress on and your ass out there. Prospects will be out by the droves, as there’ll be many places and faces that can bring on several positive opportunities for you — not just ones to get laid, but ones to move you up the ladder of success. The catch though, you’ll have to be the one to make that first move.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Enough is enough and all that bugs you will be no longer, as you won’t be the same compassionate lady you were just a few days ago. No, this week, it’s a change of plans, as life literally goes from bottom to top — as in you wielding a new sense of confidence to realize taking no bull and prisoners is your best suited style.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Get ready to hear lots of whining from your baby and be ready with the tough love. Sure, at first you might want to go the nurturing route, but soon enough you’ll learn that it won’t be of much use. To make the most of it, use this time to get in touch with your more creative side or at least, your more peacefully reclusive one.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your need to be social will resemble a manual car driven by someone who doesn’t know a thing about stick shift. Yes, emotions will be pulling you back and forth, making you wonder if you’re borderline personality. No matter, expect to feel crazy, and with that, be aware that fleeting love affairs are just part of this phase, so be careful of promising anything more than just a night.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your ambition will be going into overdrive and there won’t be anyone that can stop you on your mission. So, whatever your deepest desire is and what you think will make you feel like Queen of the hill, have it consume you over the next few weeks because this is the time come hell or high water you’re going to get what you want.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Who cares about always trying to take the high road; sometimes taking the lowest and sleaziest way is the one that’s best for you. After all, aspiring to be sweet (fake) all day can only make you so satisfied. This time around, dig deeper into your gut and realize that some grimy honesty is just what the doctor ordered.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Sex is a metaphor of a relationship; so if you’re not getting the thrill ride of your life, reconsider being on the love installment plan. Besides, there’s no reason you can’t be friends; after all, friends are is the category of people you admire, but don’t want to screw — which seems to be the area he fits in more and more. Admit it and get back on with your bad self.