Liveblogging “America’s Next Top Model”

Tonight, while myself and the rest of The Frisky staff goes bowling, special guest blogger Sasha I is going to be filling you in on the dirty “Top Model” details. Will TyTy make someone cry? Will she find some way to talk about herself even when it’s totally not appropriate? What hideousness will Mr. Jay be wearing? And most important of all — who will go home? Check back at 8 pm EST to find out! — Amelia8:00 Oh no! There are still 12 Model wannabes and they look kind of alike. How the TyTy am I going to tell them apart?? Fo LOVED her photo from last week, Aminat just called another girl something that rhymes with “witch.” She is spoilin’ for a fight. Jessica is rubbing a silver ball and trying to predict. Tyra just appeared on Miss Jay and Jay’s blackberry. Very disturbing.
8:05 YAY!! They’re getting makeovers! Oh no! Tyra’s in the bottom lefthand corner of the screen on a blackberry screen again!!
8:09 Someone’s losing a mohawk. Tyra loves Allison’s big eyes. Now Allison, she has Farrah Fawcett hair and feels like a mermaid. When Tyra looks at Fo she sees “cuteness,” which apparently is bad. Tyra tries to de-cute her with a gamine haircut. She’s still cute. Some blond girl’s hair was just described as “dry as Gandhi’s sandals.” Ouch.
8:11 Gandhi sandal hair girl now looks like a background babe in a Robert Palmer video. Totally ’80s. I cannot keep track of all these modelettes! Okay, someone just shrieked “OH MY GOD.” She now has a bleached short cut. We have the first problem girl. She is mortified that Lord Tyra wants her long brown hair chopped. She is crying. This is not going to be pretty. The J’s are acting like prison guards. I am scared.
8:15 How weird. The crying girl doesn’t have to get her hair cut! They’re totally leave it alone. The girl is SO flattered that Tyra thinks her hair is model-worthy. Another girl is getting a big blonde Beyonce weave. How natural! Fo is sad. She thinks everyone else has better hair. Almost-bald girl thinks Fo is being a big baby. AND SHE IS!! Tyramail, yo! Fo is totally losing it. She feels ugly and has affixed a red white and blue bandanna to her head. Jessica thinks she looks sexy as hell. She is quite conceited. First challenge. A Cover Girl rep is there. She uncovers a faux Wal-Mart cosmetics section. What is up with this Wal-Mart cross marketing? So America’s Next Top Recession! The girls have to go out on the streets and kidnap girls to make over.
8:27 Chaos! The girls disperse in teams of three, running in heels through the street. All the women they approach look frightened. The girls are trying REALLY hard to describe mascara to their victims. The contest judges are being very picky. The teams are being chastised for not using the Wal-Mart wall properly. Team 1 wins! Now they’re all at an African restaurant. Sandra is being really annoying, criticizing the other girls for drinking. She just got an earful for that! Get yo drink on over-21 Top Models!
8:36 How many models does it take to screw in a lightbulb, TyraMail asks. Let me guess? Um, 12? They are traveling in a pink plaid limo bus. SO fugs. Jay explains today’s shoot is all about light. The girls have to self-direct themselves! Yay, sexy Nigel Barker is the photographer! The shoot is totally rock n’ roll. Leather, sequins and crazy hair are everywhere. Nigel is showing the girls how to light themselves. Tahlia is first. She looks nervous to Nigel. Alison’s eyes look awesome encircled in heavy dark eyeliner.
8:40 Jessica looks a lil’ trashy and weird. Is Jay wearing lipstick? Aminat is too safe for Nigel’s tastes. Nigel is scolding Aminat. I’ve never seen him this angry. Celia is rocking the poses and the lights. Nigel likeys. Sandra is being booooring. Kortnie is way confused by this whole thang. Teyona is “genius,” according to Jay. Those lights look like curling irons.
8:43 Fo is blaming her hair for her bad performance. She feels butch. Like Plain Jane’s brother! She made a funny. Why is her lipstick blue? Phew, it’s over. That was EXHAUSTING. I just noticed Fo has really cute freckles. She feels invisible and empty without her hair.
8:47 Judging time is here. Tyra is looking quite lovely and understated for a change. Miss Jay looks like one of the Little Rascals this evening. Oh no, here comes Fo. Tyra and the judges are way complimenting her to make her feel better about her hair. Wow, her photo is incredible. Tyra explains you have no control over your appearance if you’re a model and you best not cry about it. Kortnie’s mediocre photos fail to impress. Tyra just made a strange sucking sound. Allison doe-eyes is next. Noel Marin told her she looks like an alien. It’s supposed to be a compliment. Sandra “radiates dullness,” according to the judges. Tyra suddenly has an English accent. Celia’s pictures get raves. Jessica’s picture is ug-lay. Maybe her ego will shrink a little. Natalie “no hair change” is up and she’s wearing a doily. They lurrrve her pics. Tiana’s weave is already faltering, but her photos are fabulous. Aminat succeeded in making no impact. She looks like a hush puppy according to Noel. What does a hush puppy look like??
8:50 The judges are deliberating. Why do they keep talking about how odd Allison looks? She looks like a regular pretty girl to me. They are going to crush her self esteem. The judges know Jessica thinks she’s all that. Nigel is disappointed with Aminat’s downward spiral. Best picture goes to TIANA! But Tyra still insults her hair. Celia next. Allison, who now wants to hide her face for all eternity is next — Natalie, London, Nyja(sp?), Talia. Sondra? Kortnie? Three remain.
8:55 Aminat squeaked by. Fo and Jessica are on the chopping block. Tyra is coming down on Fo for her cry baby-ness. Now she’s slamming Jessica for her bad photos. I’m thinking Jessica is out.
8:57 I’M RIGHT! That’s what ya get for being so vain, Jessica! “I’ve never heard anything less than ‘You’re beautiful,'” Jessica says about herself. She still thinks she’s way prettier than the other girls. Bye bye!!!