Seven Celebrity Penned Novels That Should Have Never Been Written

Amelia McDonell-Parry | March 6, 2009 - 6:00 pm

Celebs are fond of dual careers, especially careers that allow them to indulge their many “creative” endeavors — painting, music, fashion design, etc. But with the recent reveal of the cover for Lauren Conrad’s first chick lit novel, “L.A. Candy,” and the news that hot smarty pants, James Franco (he has a degree from Columbia), is working on a book of short stories, it seems “novelist” is the hot new resume addition for the rich and famous. But will Conrad and Franco’s novels be any good? My hunch is a resounding “no,” at least for Conrad’s effort, but I may be willing to give Franco a chance. Of course, they are hardly the first celebs to pick up a pen — after the jump, seven celebrity penned books that should be burned.“Ash Wednesday” by Ethan Hawke

“She stared at me, taking me in deeply. Her beautiful black hair sharp in contrast with the now stark white skin of her face. We’d been going together for well over a year and I don’t know why but she loved the holy hell out of me.”

“The Truth About Diamonds” by Nicole Richie

“Simone was famous for being famous. Chloe wasn’t famous for anything yet, so her dissapearance wasn’t exactly a national news story. Still, it might’ve attracted more attention except for the fact that a few days before Chloe disappeared, Simone had gotten stoned–aside from a Fendi spy bag, her favorite accessory was a fatty–and accidentally-on-purpose left her cell phone in the gi-normous ladies’ room at Ceasar’s in Las Vegas.”

“Outside In: A Novel” by Courtney Thorne-Smith

“She looked at the image in the bathroom mirror and watched dispassionately as a tear rolled down her cheek. She never looked quite real to herself. She often felt, when she saw her reflection, as if she were watching an actress in a movie. Today’s movie was about a weak girl who couldn’t control her appetite-a bad girl whose hunger was bigger than she was, bigger than the whole world.”

“A Model Summer” by Paulina Porizkova

“At first, the city is an indistinct mass on the horizon. Soon, we leave the billboard-littered plains behind and enter upon avenues lined with trees and the elegant, haughty buildings of the city. Magazine stands grow from cement like pointy green mushrooms. A red blur of a woman walks her poodle. In outdoor cafés customers peruse newspapers under burgundy awnings. A man with a beret huddles against a wall, trying to light a cigarette.”

“Gemma” by Meg Tilly

“The waitress with the blue mascara slides by, fresh pot of steaming coffee. Hazen gestures her over. Not that he wants more. Stuff tastes like s**t. Badly brewed. Already feeling jittery, drunk two cups of the stuff, but what the hell, he’ll give buddy ten more minutes and then call it a day. What a bullsh**ter.”

“Star: A Novel” by Pamela Anderson

“She didn’t know what it was, but the night just kept getting better and better. The colored lights looked more vibrant against that sky. The stars kept getting brighter. The moon was blinding. The drinks couldn’t have been tangier. Even the feel of the lawn chair was a treat against her skin.

‘Oh, my God,’ she cried out, rubbing against the webbing. ‘This chair feels amazing.'”

“Angel” by Katie Price

“Angel reluctantly pulled off her clothes, fumbled with the push-up bra and slowly slipped on the skirt and T-shirt. She smoothed down the skirt, then hesitantly looked at herself in the mirror. At first she felt self-conscious about how much of her body was on display, but as she took in the whole of her reflection, she couldn’t help smiling. She straightened her shoulders and lifted her head, the light catching her hair and a glint in her green eyes. The Wonderbra had given her an amazing cleavage. She didn’t look too bad, did she?”