Liveblogging “The Bachelor: After The Final Rose” Special … Again!

It just won’t end will it? ABC must be in cahoots with my local wine shop, because this show has cost me a pretty penny in libations. But they’re the only thing that keep me sane during this travesty! Tonight, Jason and his trade-in, Molly, come back to talk about what’s gone on since the FIRST “After The Final Rose” was filmed. Melissa is back too. We hope she’s no longer sad and humiliated. Anyhoo, the drama goes down at 10 pm EST — in the meantime, a poll… 9:58 Let’s get this s**t over with. Oh, I just finished watching “American Idol.” The contestants BLOW this season. Seriously. Reality TV is going downhill!
10:00 Yes STUNNING wasn’t it Chris Harrison? I am so sure you were stunned. Also, WHAT am I going to do with my Monday nights now that The Bach is over? I mean, the possibilities are endless!
10:03 I just noticed that Molly had the ponytail bump last night too. What was up with that? Also, how much RELIVING of this crap do we have to do? Jason is the biggest liar EVER with that proposal. It’s so fake. How did Melissa not know? I have more passion for my new coffee table (which is quite nice). So, I was quite tipsy last night, so in a way, it’s nice to have this recapped, because between the boozing and the typing, I think I miss some of the details. Like how bad an actor Papa Bach is. And how genuine Melissa really seems.
10:06 Totally agree with the commenter who said that Chris Harrison hates Papa Bach. Chris Harrison (I have to say his full name for some reason) has always seemed like a nice dude, with a lot of integrity. I think he’s always been really sort of interested and involved with what happened with the people on the show — I know he’s buddies with Ryan, Trista’s hubby, and Bachelor Bob — so I’m sure Papa Bach and his revolving chair of fiancees pisses him off.
10:09 Eeek! We get to find out who the next Bachelorette is going to be! Is this the Bachelorette they’ve already started filming? Or one they’re casting now? If it’s the latter, who do you think it’ll be? Jillian? Eyebrows? Melissa? According to Reality Steve, who was tots accurate with his theories about Jason/Melissa/Molly, it’s Jillian. HOORAY!
10:13 Oh, oh, oh! The Bitches Are Back! Eyebrows looks AWESOME! Like the Chiquita Banana chick! She is rockin’ some wicked makeup tonight. Oh Eyebrows, I still think she holds a candle for Jason still, which is why she supports his every stupid move. Naomi says Melissa is her girl, but sees that he had this special thing with Molly. All these chicks, except Erika, are kind of making excuses for Papa Bach.
10:17 This woman in the audience hit the nail on the head. If he was so conflicted, he shouldn’t have made his choice and picked Melissa. Especially since he has been divorced before and dealt with heartbreak before. Wah, wah, wah, poor Jason. BARF. Also, WHY is there a dude in the audience? He doesn’t seem gay.
10:19 What do you know, Stephanie broke out the ol’ “better now than later” line. YAWN. Eff that. Yes, better now, but it doesn’t excuse crap! Also, I think I might need to coin a new nickname for Papa Bach tonight, because Papa Bach is too affectionate. Poo-Poo Bach? Punked Out Bach? Pansy Bach?
10:24 Why aren’t they booing? This audience is stacked with Pro-Jason plants! Ugh Melissa really does seem so heartbroken. Poo-Poo Bach is crying crocodile tears. Also, do you think that “something happened” like Melissa says? Oh man, I feel you Melissa! Jason: “I made the right choice for all of us.” AHA! This is what I am talking about. Poo-Poo Bach is trying to make it seem like he’s the effing hero! I HATE HIM. HATTTTTTE HIMMMMMMM. THE WORST.
10:29 Chris Harrison seems to think that Poo-Poo Bach hurt America. Oh Chris Harrison. I just had to rewind — basically Poo-Poo is saying that when he rejected Molly, what she said as he walked her to the car, what she said, “made his [feelings] start growing.” Oh man, Chris Harrison just asked if he could look Ty in the eye and be proud. HA. Ty is probably sooo confused. All these chicks looked the same. Ewww, he just described Melissa as “the ultimate wife.” I would feel kind of insulted by that. Especially since the way he described “the ultimate wife” is so lame. Chris Harrison just read a quote from Melissa, since she declined to be on the show — very classy.
10:34 Time for Sloppy Seconds time in the spotlight! The one thing that seems genuine about Molly’s response last night is the way she keeps looking at Chris Harrison like she might be going nuts with what she is hearing. RE: Eyebrows as Bachelorette — My friend Zoe just said, “America isn’t ready for Eyebrows. We can handle a Canadian.” EYEBROWS in 2010!
10:40 Please Molly. You didn’t ever consider NOT taking Jason back. Also, I just do not believe she and him weren’t talking. So, six weeks have passed, a few weeks were spent “discussing” everything, and now they’re in love? If he proposes and she says yes, she is a fool. After the break, the happy couple tell us about their life together! Also after the break, Amelia barfs!
10:46 Poo-Poo totally has a ring in his pocket. I know it. Um seriously Chris Harrison? The person for whom it sucks going through this in public is Melissa. UGH. These people don’t regret anything? They don’t regret effing Melissa over? On NATIONAL TV? UGH. HATE HATE HATE. Ewwww, they’re in loveeeeeeeeeee, blahhhhhhh, ickkkkkkkk. BARF. They talk allll nighttttt long. Yeah, tal k with his teeny penis and her vagina. UGH. I mean, I have to say that Poo-Poo should have picked Molly from the get-go. It was obviously who he wanted. But the way they went about it is BS. So sick. I hate that Poo-Poo is talking about his actions as if he was SO brave. Okay, so I was wrong. No proposal. Whatever. Only because Poo-Poo didn’t want to pop the question three times in 365 days. Betcha he proposes soon. And then they break up. Obviously. NEXT UP! THE BACHELORETTE IS ANNOUNCED!
10:53 So my friend Zoe just reminded me that ABC gifted DeAnna and Jesse with a trip to Greece. What do Poo-Poo and Sloppy Seconds get? A leftover prop from the show, in the form of a tent.
10:54 Who’s the Bachelorette? DUM DUM DUMMMMM…here she comes…JILLIAN!!!! WOOHOOOOO!!!!! They had better cast some hot pieces of bachelor ass for her. She is sooo cute! Just think of all the fashion moments we will have! Driving gloves! Yellow shoes! HOORAY!!!! Love her. I love her as much as I loved Meredith, who got rejected by Bachelor Bob before becoming Bachelorette. Jillian deserves a Ryan-caliber of hotness. Bring it ABC. BRING IT.
10:57 You’ll make the right choice the first time Jillian. So long as you don’t let ABC dictate your actions! Oh my god! Starting MAY 18! Put it on your calendars ladies! Eww, Poo-Poo and Sloppy outtakes. Why is Jason drinking white wine? Ugh. That grosses me out. HATE THEM.

SO GLAD to be done with Poo-Poo and Sloppy, y’all. See you in May when we watch Jillian pick from what will hopefully be a gaggle of insane hotness with nary a Papa Bach in sight!