Liveblogging “The Bachelor” Finale & “After The Final Rose” Special February 2nd 2009

I’ve got my two bottles of wine, I’ve got my leftovers, and I’ve got my catheter all hooked up. Just kidding on that last part, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea. After all, tonight’s finale is going to be three hours long — two hours for the finale and an hour for the special afterward, which may end up being WAY more exciting, if the rumors are true. Are you excited? I am! Check back with this post starting at 8 pm EST!8:00 Oh crap, tots forgot DEANNA IS COMING BACK this episode!!!! This is the most fake, set-up reunion with Ty EVER. Um, wait, Molly hasn’t met Ty huh? CRAZY that he only needs one interaction between his kid and his future bride to know that she’s “the one.”
8:05 Ty needs to work on his putt. I’m just sayin’. You know, Melissa is great with Ty because she had the voice of an 11-year-old. Let me make this clear: BABY VOICE DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GOOD BABY MAMA. Wow, real creative Ty. Let’s call the sheep “Sheep.”
8:10 Dude that “GMA” preview made it clear that this episode is going to be CUH-RAZY. Okay, so what’s up with Melissa’s hair. She does that thing where she purposefully puts the bump in the back of her ponytail. How sad. Papa Bach is the hottest Mesnick brother, by far. Melissa has rabbit teeth. Also, I’m not a fan of the short sleeve turtle neck sweater.
8:18 I don’t understand how Melissa is winning awards like she’s best potential mom in the world because she’s being warm and cute with Ty. I mean, sometimes four year olds poo their pants. What is she going to do when she had to change a poopy pair of pants? I feel like Papa Bach likes Melissa in the way a pervy dad is tots hot for the young babysitter. I mean, she just seem sooooooo young and sorority girl-ish. That said, Molly is about as awful too. Um, so I have these friends over right now and they all say the Mesnick family looks like Ewoks, and that they all have (lil’ Ty included) Sloth ears.
8:27 ZOMG, like tots excited!!! Molly is running towards Jason, it’s so romantic!!! I mean, isn’t it obvious that Molly has a bigger hold over Papa Bach? He looks at her the way I look at a big ol’ plate of pasta. But Ty? Ty looks at Molly the way I look at a piece of Lucca’s dog poo right before I pick it up with a baggy. I think, though, that this is a much better date that the one Papa Bach had with Melissa. Of course, none of that may matter.
8:37 Ruh-roh, Molly is drinking white wine, which makes me the crazy. ZOMG! Molly is IN LOVE with Jason! WHOA! ACKKKKK! Ugh. I am hungry. So, Molly was crazy in college, but now that she’s two years out of college, she’s MAJORLY ready for marriage, and the proof is in the fact that she’s not doing Jaager bombs all night long. Wait, how is Molly more career oriented? I mean, from what I can remember, Melissa is the one who wants to be a school teacher — Molly just wants to buy crap for department stores. The Mesnick’s seem to totallllllly prefer Molly. TOTALLY. Little do they know that Papa Bach may be a puppet for ABC! You know what would be a good twist for this show? Mormons. Then, in the end, of the Bach wanted to, he could choose both!
8:45 Molly had a WAY better date with the Mesnick’s. And she’s big with the I Love Yous. I dunno. If Jason picks Melissa, I am convinced it’s because he’s going to choose Molly eventually.
8:50 This episode is weird, because it’s almost like it doesn’t matter who Papa Bach chooses — cause he’s probably going to change his mind during “After The Final Rose.”
8:53 Show of hands! Who feels bad for Melissa? So, what, they both get a second date? TRAMP STAMP ALERT! Man, if Jason does what the rumors are saying, I am going to feel SO SORRY for Melissa. But the sad thing is, if he does it, I feel like she’s a shoe-in for Bachelorette. Which means no BACHELORETTE: JILLIAN or BACHELORETTE: EYEBROWS. And after the break, Molly gives Papa Bach 110% of her vagina.
9:03 Today is Molly’s second date before the BIG DECISION. I smell a BJ! I have to admit, Molly is slightly winning be over with how aggressive and confident she is. Melissa is very passive, which irritates me. I mean, c’mon, watch this crap. Jason is in love with Molly. Not Melissa. How appropriate though, that she would write a kids book to sum up her feelings.
9:12 This episode is KILLING me.
9:16 Just decide already Papa Bach. So, Jason talking to Melissa’s parents. I think this is the “perfect” way for the producers to have Papa Bach pick Melissa over Molly. FINALLY!!!! DeAnna!!! The way he responds just suggests that he still has feelings. Also, she’s basically saying that she may the wrong choice. This is soooo mean to Jesse, by the way, And also, DeAnna, this is B.S. because now you are dating a dude from “The Real World,” so STFU. Oh my god, can we pleaaaaaase just FF to “After the Final Rose”?!
9:26 If it was possible to die from overexposure to The Bach, I would have been dead 12 minutes ago.
9:30 That first ring is amazinnnnnng. My fave, by far. If you’re so conflicted, Jason, how CAN you make a decision. Cause it’s a big one. You don’t just make it in two seconds and then feel completely committed to it. Is Ty going to be there to propose with him? Who’s getting cut you guys? Who?
9:40 You guys, I literally AM dying right now. Also, WHO IS IN THE CAR?! So far, the rumors are true! Molly is about to be ousted!!!! Le sigh, Jason is OBVI not wanting to drop her. He wants to marry her! And drop what’s her face! WOW. BULL CRAP. He is soooo not in love with Melissa. I mean, I have greater romantic chemistry with my doorman. Molly KNOWS. I don’t think she was in on this at all. That’s what I’m saying about her getting screwed over too, even if he chooses her in the end. Because she was unwittingly dragged along on this nonsense. Dude, look at the way he’s looking at her. No Bachelor has ever looked at the one he rejected that way. Um, I’m totally Team Molly. What happened to me? I am a shell of my former self.
9:50 This show is SO FIXED. I mean, seriously, not that I was ever a big Molly fan, but the chemistry between her and Jason makes Melissa pale in comparison.
9:55 GOD let’s get this crap over with so we can get to ATFR!!!
9:58 MELISSA: AhahjakHSDKLJHASD;KHDF;KAJHFKJHDFKLJHSDFKJLHSDFKJHDK!!!!!JSHDGHGHgahGAHg!!!! Oh man, poor Ty, being dragged into this soap opera. Also. UGH.
10:01 ATFR! Bring. It. On. Dude, dude, dude. It’s hard coming clean, isn’t Papa Bach? Hard revealing that you’re not so innocent isn’t it? The “chemistry” has been different. Huh. This is amazing!! He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Molly! HAHAHA because you never wanted top dump her in the first place! This is awesome. I LOVE THE BACHELOR.
10:06 WHOA, Papa Bach. Still in love with Molly. Thank you rumor mill, for proving that rumors can be true. This is pure genius. Papa Bach fake crying. Also lying by the way. Like hell he hasn’t seen Molly since the rose ceremony. He’s been stickin’ his engaged P in her V since the day after. Poor Melissa. She got bamboozled.
10:14 It is pretty cruel of Papa Bach to dump Melissa on camera. WTF is wrong with him? Is this what he wants to teach his son? Oh damn, Melissa. This is so sad. She totalllllly doesn’t believe he hasn’t been talking to Molly. Melissa! Melissa you are kicking ass right now. CALL HIM OUT GIRL! He is SUCH a bastard! YOU GO GIRL!!!! She is so firey. I love her. He is the WORST. Papa Bach SUCKS. SUCKKKKKKS. My friend Zoe just said, “He took her engagement virginity!!!”
10:24 This is SOOOO harsh. SO harsh. So, Papa Bach feels so awful about his feelings changing for Melissa, yet he decides to spring a breakup on her, on National TV, and then Chris Harrison tells her he’s dumping her so he can pursue something with Molly? WOW. I hope Molly kicks him in the nuts.
10:34 Who thinks Molly and Jason have been having dirty phone sex since the day she left the show? Wow, look at how emotional Molly seems to be…I still think she and Jason have been communicating. I don’t think she’s that surprised by any of this. The thing is, all of this would be less reprehensible if Papa Bach wasn’t A PAPA! How confusing for Ty! Ugh, I wish that Papa Bach would just fess up to ABC’s influence, but it’s soooo not going to happen. i want a Bachelor Expose!
10:42 Oh GOD, so excited. I feel like watching this episode is like the first time I tasted the sweet, stingey wonderfulness of Diet Coke.

FYI: Tomorrow night at 10pm EST, another ATFR will air on ABC. I will liveblog.

10:47 Oh man, Molly just got a really excited look in her eye. She’s sooo psyched. Molly is about to explode into a tear bomb. And I love that Molly first inquired about Melissa. That’s good girl behavior. Let’s see how long her compassion and concern lasts.
10:50 Molly is soooo over the moon now. Poor Melissa. What the hell is she supposed to do? Now her parents are really going to think this show is a crock of crap. I mean, there is just no way Molly and Papa Bach haven’t seen each other. I do not believe it. Poor Melissa is yesterday’s news. Chris Harrison is suddenly all joyful about the wonderful potential of Molly and Jason. What about Melissa? She barely left the studio two minutes ago. Let’s bring Ty out! Let’s have a wedding now! Let’s have them hump on stage and make a baby, that’s how frickin’ romantic this is. UGH. THESE PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK. SICKKKKK SICKKKKKKK SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. HAVE THEY NO FEELINGS?!?!?!?! Melissa just left!!!!!

HONESTLY Chris Harrison, I am not floored by this news. Because I read the rumors and I read US Weekly. But I am floored by how CLASSLESS your stupid Bachelor is. Also, Chris Harrison, you seem like a nice guy. Don’t pretend like you don’t want to kick Papa Bach in his twig and berries. Also PAPA BACH. You told Melissa that you were in love with her and that, in theory, would never stop, and you just said the same thing to Molly. YOU SUCK. I mean, why should she believe you? She DOES believe you, because she is a moron, but WE don’t believe you, because although we watch this show religiously, we are way smarter than you realize. UGH.

In theory, Papa Bach could totally end up proposing to Molly tomorrow. For those keeping track, that would be ring NUMBER THREE purchased in the last year.

I will see you gals tomorrow. I am drunk and must go to bed and prepare for part two of this crapfest. IT WAS A BLAST!