ZOMG! Did you hear?! President Obama is GAY! According to The Globe, that is. Tabloids sell amazing lies that millions of people buy. While it would have been doubly empowering for America to not only elect its first African-American, but also its first openly homosexual President, these rumors are just fun fantasies good for a laugh — which we could all use right about now. Guess that’s why The National Enquirer is America’s best selling weekly “newspaper.” Here are our favorite outrageously LOL rag-mag cover stories…
1. ”Dick Cheney Is A Robot!”
The Weekly World News clearly thinks the former VP is cooler than he is!
2. ”Kitten Guilty of Murder!”
The cover photo is of a scared kitty strapped down to get lethal injection. Don’t worry animal rights activists, Weekly World News started a petition to save the cat criminal.
3. “Psychic Pet Fish Predicts Winning Lotto Numbers… Twice!”
What, was the lottery run by Dr. Seuss?
4. ”Extreme Celebrity Flaws”
Angelina has bony hands! Courtney Cox has big ears! And Katie Holmes gets cold sores! Well, I guess they’re all worthless then. Especially Katie because she’s just like 60% of Americans who also get blisters once or twice a year. How dare she let herself go like that!
5. ”Clinton Mistress Revealed”
Bill is a big cheater. Yeah, maybe that would have raised an eyebrow 20 years ago, before he was nicknamed Slick Willy, but this headline is from June 23, 2008. In the words of Monica Lewinski, “Duh!“
6. “Alien Bible Found: They Worship Oprah!”
So does every woman in America.
7. “Vampires Attack US Troops: New Terror In Middle East!”
They claim an “army of undead [are] taking over the mountains of Afghanistan.” Maybe we could broker a peace with Tru Blood beverages.
8. “World’s Smartest Ape Goes To College”/”Nine Month Old Baby Gets Black Belt In Karate”
Whoa, this split cover has suddenly made me feel like an underachiever.
9. “Stars With Cellulite!”
Gasp! This article featured cover girls like bikini-clad Mischa Barton, Cindy Crawford, and Ellen DeGeneres. Oh no, not Ellen too! I thought there was a police checkpoint for cottage cheese thighs at Hollywood’s city limits and no real woman could get through.
10. “Redneck Aliens Take Over Trailer Park”
With caption, “There goes the neighborhood!”