• Relationships

How Much Could You Or Would You Charge An Ex, Post-Breakup?

Here’s a tragic story. Elizabeth and her boyfriend dated for about a year and a half. They had some pets, and some fights, and one day, sick of him being a total douchebag, Elizabeth kicked him to the curb. A few weeks later, Elizabeth’s ex came knocking, along with his hefty father, papers in hand. After he moved his belongings out of her apartment, he had Elizabeth sign the papers, and in her confusion, she didn’t pay much attention. Later, she looked at what she had signed, and realized it was a bill for every dime her ex had ever spent on her during their relationship, from groceries to Valentine’s Day presents. Of course this “document” would never hold up in an actual court of law, but Elizabeth was pretty sure it would make people laugh, so she scanned and posted it on a blog, where we saw it. All of this got us thinking — while the idea of actually compiling a bill and delivering it to an ex is ridiculous and laughable, we can’t help but think that’s there’s some stuff we’d like to charge our exes for. Actual expenses yes, but also pain and suffering too. After the jump, how much you could feasibly charge an ex, after a breakup.EXPENSES
$100 – Half the cost of a dog walker’s monthly fee, for the dog we adopted together, but you abandoned
$5 – 10 text messages that went unreturned, thus making them a waste, at 25 cents each
$80 – Four therapy sessions needed the week after our breakup because I was such a wreck ($20 copay)
$34.93 – Seven pints of ice cream ($4.99 each) over the course of a month, which I would never normally eat, if not for the fact that it helped soften my loathing
$150 – Luggage, which I had to replace because we threw mine away because your luggage, which you took with you in our breakup, was deemed “better”
$75 – A new set of pots and pans, because you took all of ours, even though I know your chubby ass is probably eating out every night and NOT cooking at home

PAIN AND SUFFERING
$120 – For the 12 consecutive weekends I could have spent at the beach, but didn’t, because we were looking for an apartment to buy together, but didn’t, because you dumped me
$60 – An additional $10 for the tan I was unable to build during those 12 consecutive weekends
$8 – A dollar for every pound I dropped not eating because of you (pre-ice cream binge, obviously)
$6 – A dollar for every additional pound I gained back (post-ice cream binge)
$100 – 10 dollars for every time I had to hang out with and be nice to your heinous best friend from college
$160 – Five dollars for the 32 times I had to explain what happened between us (“I have no idea!”)
$70 – Ten dollars for every time I faked an orgasm so you would just hurry up and finish
$33 – A dollar for the approximate amount of blow jobs I gave when I wasn’t in the mood for giving you a blow job

GRAND TOTAL: $1001.93

[The Relationship Bill]

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