Sure, having a guy f**k you like an animal sounds hot and sexy, but, if taken literally, it could be dangerous, disgusting, and painful. We may be mammals too, but at least we don’t do it like they do on the Discovery Channel! After the jump, 10 shockingly weird animal sex habits that are bound to make you feel happy to be human.
1. Sure, it’s cute that squids cuddle after they mate, but the females are stuck holding the semen in a pocket next to their mouths. Can you imagine not having the option to spit?
2. Emperor penguins get it on once a year, for two to three minutes, while face down in the snow. I bet even frigid ice queen Martha Stewart gets it on more than that!
3. Female alligators don’t eat for eight to nine weeks before they get it on. And you thought you were nervous about getting naked!
4. After a male bee mates with the queen, his member breaks off and he dies. Well, at least she doesn’t have to wait around to see if he’ll call.
5. Flatworms are hermaphrodites, so they fight to determine which bitch has to carry the baby. In this species, motherhood is for losers. That just ain’t right!
6. Male giraffes nudge the female’s booty until they pee. Then they have to drink the urine to see if they’re ready to mate. If they are, the males just wind up following them around until the girl finally gives in and lets him mount her. Too bad giraffes don’t have alcohol to help them.
7. You thought you didn’t want no minute man, well, pity female flippers because male dolphins ejaculate in about 12 seconds.
8. It takes Galapagos tortoises 40 years to go through puberty. Sheesh, I could barely stand 13!
9. Male bedbugs stab females and then shoot them up with sperm. We need to get these girls rape whistles STAT!