Liveblogging “The Bachelor” February 16th 2009

It’s down to three! On tonight’s episode, Papa Bach takes the three remaining women — Jillian, Molly, and Melissa — on romantic overnight dates during which we will no doubt here the sweet sounds of face-sucking. BUT! The moment we’ve all been waiting for, DeAnna’s return to, supposedly, beg for Papa Bach back is also tonight! This is going to be GOOD. So check back with this post at 8 pm EST!7:58 Preparing for The Bach with a glass of wine, while preparing a burrito.
8:03 Making an early prediction about who will go home — my vote goes to Molly. So Papa Bach is taking all three women to the same destination for the overnight dates? I really hope they don’t all share walls…
8:05 “Too independent?” What the hell does that mean Papa Bach? I hate it when they talk about “the soft side” because I don’t understand what that is. I mean, none of these chicks are “hard.” They’re all former prom queens, for goodness sake.
8:09 Yeah, Molly opened up when she spent the night during the campfire date. She opened up her legs. Actually, scratch that, maybe Molly and her golf shirts are still around because she didn’t give it up and Papa Bach wants to see her, you know, swing. Papa Bach just said that Melissa reminds him of DeAnna and his ex — what does that mean? What brings all three of these women together? Melissa can’t win — Papa Bach needs to against type, obviously.
8:11 I need another burrito. The one I made was VERY small. SWEET! COMMERCIAL. Back with another, larger burrito…
8:14 These commercials are short! Jillian is wearing plaid. She continues to be MY pick for the winner and this is even further proof. A helicopter ride is a pretty sweet date, I gotta say. Okay, so I may like her shirt, but Jillian needs to take the pageant hair down a notch. That girl is HOT ROLLER HAPPY. Aww, and Papa Bach is wearing plaid too! Okay, this is a pretty awesome date. I want to have a picnic (with wine) on a cliff overlooking New Zealand. Um, Chicken Parm Guy, take notes.
8:19 However, I might not enjoy the hiking down. Also, STFU Papa Bach — of course Jillian wants more than friendship too, you dork. Dude, Jason totally expects the bitches to give him at least a beej to make sure there’s “passion” between them.
8:24 I can get behind Jillian’s dress but the accessories are WAY too matchy-matchy. Um, Jillian’s makeup is already messed up — they obviously cut out some hot and heavy kissing. Sigh. I think these two are cute. JILLIAN FOR THE WIN! FOR THE WIN! She’s crazy ABOOT him!
8:27 Oh man, Jillian RULES! She straight up ASKED for the key to the fantasy suite. She’s a modern woman. You go girl. Also, now I want to make out with someone. They are tots going to bone. Is any of that champagne left? I want some. Um, her body is sick. How do all these women have such perfect bodies? What do they do?
8:30 These two are high on pheromones….and Spanish guitar music. Also, what was that menacing music that came before? I thought it was DeAnna’s music — like her music that will be played before she comes and tries to RUIN everything. Um, this is kind of hot. I’m getting kind of hot under the collar. Seriously. Ugh.
8:34 Haha, it rained on Molly’s date. Ooh what a pretty view. Also, that’s kind of awesome that Molly has to jump off a bridge for her date while Jillian got a helicopter ride and a picnic. It’s amazing. These two are still boring the crap out of me this episode. Someone let me know when something interesting happens. Also, Jason screams like a dork.
8:39 Oh, I’m vaguely impressed that Molly has a list. However, so far, her questions are about as deep as that Facebook 25 Things About Me nonsense. Also, if his house was on fire, Papa Bach would save his sneakers. Not his son. Just sayin’. Did she ask him he had any STDs? That’s an important question? What about number of sexual partners? That stuff is important.
8:44 I don’t understand what he sees in Molly. Like, she seems like a sweet girl, but she seems so YOUNG. Dude, I think he WANTS Molly to be the one, but she just isn’t. Listening to these two talk to each other, is like listening to the teacher in “Peanuts” having a conversation with herself. Yawn.
8:51 So, I think Molly is hinting at DeAnna’s reply with her whole, “Aren’t you worried that you’ll pick someone and realize it was the wrong one later?” Oh god, now I am getting worried that Molly will stay. They are SO GOOD at making it seem like The Bach is always totally conflicted up until the last second. Okay, so Molly took a page from the Jillian handbook and asked Papa Bach to stay the night with her. Ugh. Papa Bach is totally stickin’ it in each of these women, one after the other! ABC should really market Bachelor-branded condoms.
9:00 I’m worried for Jillian. Going first is a huge disadvantage. Of course, Megan Melissa, who is going last, is at a disadvantage because her parents aren’t media whores and didn’t want to be on the show. Molly is looking more and more like a shoe-in for Final Two. BOOOOO!
9:13 Okay you guys — what do you think is gonna happen? Who’s going home? I think Melissa is going home, despite being able to leave the last impression. I cannot fathom Jillian going home, and Molly, for whatever reason, has totally put a voodoo spell on Papa Bach. God, remember the days when a Bachelorette WOULDN’T go back to the fantasy suite? Where are the virgins? The women who don’t want their parents knowing they’re effing on ABC’s dime?
9:18 Melissa’s date is a bit of a downer. Hence I think she is going home. But I clearly have no idea what I’m talking about, because I thought Naomi was safe last episode. If Jillian goes home, I swear to God, my head will blow off. Also, DeAnna BETTER be back this episode. That’s what said…but they’re previewing that for this episode at all. Hmm….
9:25 It’s already rose ceremony time and there’s 35 minutes left. DeAnna MUST be on her way! I hope Papa Bach tells her to suck it. If she doesn’t come back this episode, I am going to be mad at for leading me on. Also, what else could happen in 30 minutes? His heart-to-heart with Chris is almost over!
9:30 Oh. Private video messages. Ugh. I like Jillian’s dress. This rose ceremony is obviously sponsored by Jaguar. Classy! Molly’s sorority ponytails have GOT to go. And now Melissa has a side pony going on. What’s up with these chicks? Wow, Melissa was smart to say definitively, “I love you” at the end of her schpiel.
9:37 Okay, my prediction is that the rose ceremony happens, Jason says goodbye to the discarded Bachelorette, and THEN DeAnna shows up and it cuts away to next week, where we get to see their confrontation!
9:40 The roses go to…MELISSA! And…MOLLY.

WTF. PAPA BACH YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. DEAD TO ME. UGH. I am disgusted. I hope whoever Papa Bach picks in the end turns his ass down. IDIOT. Papa Bach YOU SUCK.

JILLIAN FOR BACHELORETTE! You deserve better girl!

9:46 Obvs, I am angry. I will liveblog next week (“The Women Tell All,” I assume) and the finale, but I kind of don’t care anymore who wins. I was invested in Jillian and her plaid and her Canadian accent and her colorful motorcycle gloves. Oh, and now Jason is crying. Wah, wah, wah… Ugh, is this episode so long because of Papa Bach EMOTING. Barf. This dude is a loser. I hate him. Where is DeAnna? I want her to come back and make him even more confused. He is calling Melissa and Molly “girls.” Doesn’t he want his wife to be a WOMAN?

9:50 HIGHLIGHTS of the finale? So DeAnna comes back on the last episode? Ugh. I wonder if he chooses HER in the end? Actually she is supposedly dating some “Real World’ guy. I am so annoyed. I was so sure Jillian was safe. Just proves you cannot trust your instincts when it comes to s**tty reality TV.

9:54 Ooooh, “The Women Tell All” special looks awesome! And on the finale! Bonding with Ty! And Ty hates Molly like we do! HAHAHAHAHA! Dude, DeAnna is totally coming back at the very last second! DRAMATIC BITCH! Loves it. This is AMAZING. And The Bach loses it! And SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS at the final rose ceremony! Cause it’s so emotional! ZOMG!

Dude, I admit it. This s**t is good TV. Also, is Jason is farting in the bathtub? Oh, it’s the draining…weird. Awkward.