Valentine’s Day: Screw Friends With Benefits

Friends with benefits? Been there, done that, and now, I can’t go for that! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for free love, but there’s something about the repeat offense of a dude who will do you over and over again, hang out, and share his thoughts and feelings, but is too scared to say you’re in a relationship. Call me old fashioned, but what’s he so afraid of — treating a lady right? Last time I checked, combining sex with friendship is the very definition of a boyfriend! As if day-to-day diddling wasn’t hard enough to navigate, now that Valentine’s Day is rearing its ugly head, FWBs just seem even more useless. Here’s why…1. Will You Be My Valentine: Even though V-Day is a night we’re all hoping for a guaranteed lay, you can’t booty call an FWB on Valentine’s Day because you’ll look desperate. Or worse, it will scare him because it’ll seem like you’re trying to make more of your casual relationship by sharing the most lovey-dovey day for couples.

2. The Other Woman: What if he starts actually dating someone? Then you are stuck wondering why you weren’t good enough for that kind of sex plus status. And who is he taking out on V-Day anyway?!

3. Safety In Numbers: BS! A lot of people choose to have an FWB so they can stop looking for the sexual gratification of a one-night-stand. But if your FWB is still dating around, how is that safer health wise or emotionally? And how is it stopping you from humping a stranger when you’re feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day?

4. Deep Impact: Despite how lame the packaging on the 14th gets, love is really about passion. FWB sex lacks passion because you’re trying not to connect. Sex is all about depth!

5. Whore-Moans: If he’ll give me his penis, why won’t he give me a card? No matter how hard a girl tries to stay detached from a dude, after sex, she still gets a natural jolt of oxytocin, the cuddly “chemical of attachment.”

6. Sinking A Friendship: According to Hooking Up Smart, 84% of women in supposed non-relationships think they are more friends than lovers with their FWB. Fifteen percent of men, on the other hand, think they’re more lovers than friends. Almost half of the men wished they had more sex with their FWB, yet they also think that their female partner is more into the relationship than they are.

7. Advantage: You can’t go out with them on Valentine’s Day because you’re just in it for sex, not your heart. Who’s really got the upper hand if you’re both just using each other for sex? It’s a lose/lose situation.

8. Isn’t It Romantic?: Flowers, candy, charm, those are all staples of seduction. Nothing warms a girl up quite like all those fringe benefits of romance. That’s why companies market so many products on Valentine’s Day geared towards showing that special someone how much you care…or how much want to go down there! Sure, a teddy bear that can sing “Wild Thing” is too cheesy to really get anyone in the mood, but why give up on making him try to woo the pants off of you?!

9. Lies: If being a FWB is so great, why can’t you just tell everyone about who you’re doing — and even celebrate it? Why do you always have to sneak around?

10. Technological Advancements: Why not just buy a sex toy that can do the same tricks without forcing you to figure out a sticky FWB situation? Not to mention, a toy can also offer you completely safe sex whenever you want it! No waiting around, no coordinating schedules, no mixed feelings. Pick yourself up a Valentine that only uses batteries.