Ditch The Whip Cream Bikini & Other Valentine’s Day Don’ts

Linda Johnson | February 12, 2009 - 2:30 pm

Valentine’s Day Don’ts For Daring Women

  • Do not use indelible Magic Markers to write lewd things on your body. They don’t wash off. Use something aloe based instead.
  • Do not answer the door dressed only in Saran Wrap. The leech across the hall has a hidden camera trained on your door with YouTube written all over it.
  • Do not insist he drop his Fruit of the Looms and model the thong you got him. He could get hurt.
  • Do not confiscate the mic from the lounge singer to do raunchy lyrics to “My Horny Valentine.”
  • Valentine’s Day Don’ts For Single Women

  • Do not put out flyers with your personal ad under windshield wipers in the parking lot. It’s a federal offense and you don’t have a good picture anyway.
  • Do not stand at your front window during rush hour in revealing lingerie.
  • Do not drunk dial your old boyfriend Roy and apologize for ever dumping him even though he repeatedly violated parole.
  • Do not listen to your mother and go to church or the synagogue just to meet guys because that will not fool God for one minute.
  • Valentine’s Day Don’ts For Dejected Women

  • Do not hole up in your apartment with two dozen Krispy Kremes and a bottle of butterscotch schnapps on Valentine’s night when the whole world is out playing kissy face with their SOs. Get some fresh air. Take what’s left of the donuts and schnapps out on the front steps where you can at least see the limos going by full of lovers embracing on their way to gourmet dinners.
  • Do not call your old widowed mother because she’ll probably have a date, and you don’t, and she’ll rub it in saying things like, “You should have held on to that Roy guy,” or, “What about that nice Jeremy? So he’s cross-eyed, he’ll have surgery,” or “Tick, tick, tick … every day more of your eggs are dying off.”
  • In fact, do not even recognize Valentine’s Day. So what if Hallmark and Frederick’s of Hollywood say it’s the sexiest day of the year. Remember, on some planets they don’t even have Valentine’s Day. What if you were born on Altair4?
  • Valentine’s Day Don’ts For (Almost) Divorced Women

  • Do not give him a card that says, “My love for you burns deep inside. Oh wait, that’s acid reflux.”
  • Do not give him a T-shirt that says, “This is not a beer belly, it’s a keg.”
  • Do not send him a card that says, “You always said you couldn’t live without me. So why are you still alive?”
  • Do not serve him divorce papers with his breakfast. It’s not funny. Really. Quit laughing.
  • Linda Johnson