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How To Put Your V In Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day sucks for single people. Yeah, that’s what your disgustingly cute couple friends think, but they’ve got their heads too far up each others’ butts that night to look around and see how many people are out, single and ready to mingle! Unless you’re a sappy saint, getting laid on V-Day is like buying candy from the drug store. You can get whatever you like cheap and easy! So miss, don’t get sour, go out and eat someone sweet. Here’s how to really feel screwed on the Hallmark holiday….1. Color Me Bad: Most girls opt to wear red or pink on V-Day. Those hot colors are traditional and typically eye-catching, however, in a sea of love colors on the 14th, they won’t help you stand out. If you want to up your chances of getting noticed, wear another color — that’ll make you pop! But beware of looking too fancy, you don’t want to seem like you’re trying too hard. No heart-themed attire, after 5pm dresses, old bridesmaid frocks, and don’t recreate the hair-do you did for senior prom — on Valentine’s Day, going that extra mile seems extra pathetic. If you are putting out the vibe that you like your regular single self, someone else will too!

2. Paint The Town Red: Live and love it up! No one wants to have sexy times with a Debbie Downer, so whatever you do, do not look depressed, on the verge of tears, or even the slightest bit like a wallflower on Valentine’s Day. There isn’t a single guy out on V-Day who is looking for a needy girl. So, take Dita Von Teese’s advice and enjoy yourself! If you’re having a fun time at the fiesta, then maybe someone will want to party in your pants.

3. Ladies Night: Do NOT invite any friends of the opposite sex. I don’t care if you want to help Harry meet Sally, hook ‘em up on the 15th. You cannot get stuck standing next to a guy you don’t want to do. Bring along some wing-women, that’s cool. But again, no men! If your friend wants to drag out her boy toy, too bad, she can’t ride with you or they’ll inadvertently ruin your chance at romance.

4. I Choo-Choo-Choose You!: A lot of dudes go out on Valentine’s Day in the hopes of scoring some easy single chick who is feeling down about being alone on the couples’ holiday. Needless to say, your chances of getting some are higher than even normal, you sexy bitch. With that kind of extra muscle out there, you should be selective. Make sure the dude isn’t getting too drunk to screw or just got dumped and feeling sad. You should get the most bang for your buck!

5. High-Maintenance Ho: I already warned you about getting too gussied up, but sipping cosmos and generally looking like your too hot to trot is a no go on Valentine’s Day. It’s ironic that on a day meant to indulge a girls’ sensitive side, getting too girlie will turn off a potential hook-up. But let’s face it, a guy could ask out any lady for the 14th and she’d jump at the chance for guaranteed romance. So, since this single guy has opted out of working a little more for a surefire screw, he’s just hoping to grab some ass. He’s scared off by the seasonal pressure, so keep everything casual — like you want the sex to be — and you’ll stay approachable on the lovey-dovey day.

6. Party Time Excellent: Only go places where there will be enough people to pick and choose from. Don’t go to a house party that’s going to be filled with couples, even if the hosts promise some stray singles are showing up. They are totally lying. Being around other pairs in love will kill your girl boner. No sweaty one night stand can stand up next to happy couples making out like they care. Puke! So surround yourself with people who just want to get hot and heavy with a stranger.

7. Past Up: Whatever you do, do NOT, under any circumstances, text, call or try to get back with an ex. Admitting you’re that lonely on Valentine’s Day is just lame. It will ruin your chances of ever reuniting with them. Valentine’s Day is for loving the one your with, whether he’s your boyfriend or a new recruit.

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