With Valentine’s Day around the corner, everyone’s got their minds on sexy time! But before you go bringing that dreamgirl back to your bach pad, make sure your place isn’t a nightmare. Here are some tips on how to make a naked woman feel welcome in your home after the jump…
1. Stag Mags: Hide your porn. It’s not that we don’t like it, it’s just not what we want to see out on your coffee table the first time we come back to your place. It feels a little presumptuous….and creepy. Wait for us to actually have sex with you before you try to add other naked people.
2. Bug Out: If your place was infested, don’t gross a girl out by leaving bug spray and traps in a visible place. The occasional roach motel is fine, but shove the rest of that rodent crap in a cabinet.
3. Clean: Just like the rules for a ladies lair, you should make your place clean enough so we’re able to rub our bodies all over your apartment without risking infection. This includes picking up all your clothes off the floor and putting them in the hamper. Ladies don’t need the 411 on your old undies or those smelly gym socks. Bottom line: if you want to get really dirty, you gotta clean first.
4. Culture Club: Display your music and book collections. Organize them on shelves so she can peruse just how much you two have in common. Nothing makes panties drop faster than mutual interest.
5. Hard To Digest: Throw out crusty old food. Women don’t want to know you ate stanky milk cereal, cold pizza or, worse yet, that last week’s chilli would make an excellent science fair spore project. Yuck!
6. Wipe Out: Put your toilet paper in the appropriate holder. It just takes a second, but it separates the men from the boys.
7. X-Women: Get rid of your former girlfriend’s stuff. A woman can sense another woman’s touch. She knows you didn’t pick out floral oven mitts or those lavender organza curtains. So toss ‘em! Otherwise, she might think you’re a big cheater.
8. Trash: Don’t let it pile up. Get that smelly junk out of there! Since taking out the trash is traditionally a “man’s job” (since you fools won’t do dishes!), show me you don’t want to live in filth.
9. Pet: Groom your pet. One of the marks of a good man is a well provided for pet. If your pooch or kitty is clean and happy, it shows you know how to love and take care of someone. Also, nothing is nastier than scattered kitty litter.
10. Bonus Points: If you really want to impress a gal, offer her a brand new extra toothbrush. It’ll make a lady smile for more than one reason — her breath will rule and she’ll feel like you want her to stay the night again.