There’s no doubt best-selling author Zane knows sex. Her erotica is far different than your average sex scenarios and fantasies. The Sisters of APF: The Indocrination of Soror Ride Dick, about the members of Alpha Phi Fu**em as they try to find sexual fulfillment and freedom, was the first erotic novel to get me hot and bothered and make me laugh out loud. Zane definitely has an entertaining imagination that is perfect for her novels, but when it comes to reality, her sex advice is rather boring and kind of impractical. After the jump, check out our take on “Zane’s Top Nine Ways to Have Mind-Blowing Sex Tonight.”1. Use your car for more than driving. Any woman who started banging before she or her partner had their own place has done it in a car. And, she has probably realized that while the getting caught factor makes sex in a car exciting, it is also uncomfortable. Even if the seats go back, the car is still a rather cramped spot to have sex, unless the two people are contortionists. Instead, why not tease your partner while stopped at a traffic light or waiting in line at a toll? By the time you get to your destination, you’ll have only one thing on the brain.
2. Hook up in the hallway. We don’t take much issue with this advice. I can attest that sex with your guy as soon as you or he walks in the door is the perfect way to unwind after a long day. But I don’t think you need to tell your guy what’s on your mind, as Zane advises, because a kiss can say it all.
3. Make love to his mind. Unlike Zane, we think women tend to fulfill their man’s fantasy more often than the other way around, so chances are you’ve already donned that kinky costume or initiated sex. Instead, give your man the scoop on your fantasy, and the dual preparation will be foreplay for the real thing.
4. Get on top. Seriously? If you know who Zane is, shouldn’t you be familiar with riding? Being on top does give you control, but it’s not an excuse for your man to lie there doing nothing. Give him a sex toy that fits on his finger, so he can stimulate you while you’re doing your thing.
5. Spoil yourself. We don’t need anyone to tell us self-love is important, but a decadent meal has never been essential to turning on ourselves. Instead, put on sexy lingerie under your clothes. Throughout the day you’ll have a new swing in your step and your head will be a little higher as you remember how sexy you look under those clothes. In the evening, allow yourself to be turned on by your reflection as you undress. Then you’ll be ready for a little finger or toy action.
6. Get ahead of the game. Zane suggests you distract your man with a striptease while he’s watching the game. As avid TV watchers, we find this tip a little rude. Why not prepare for your striptease while he’s watching the game? You’ll have time to nap, practice, shower, and groom before the game is over. And he’ll have a lot of unused, pent-up energy.
7. Disappear for seven minutes. We can’t argue with Zane about sneaking off during a party, because nothing gets the adrenaline pumping like the possibility of getting caught in the act while in a public place.
8. Use your imagination. So, basically, you’re supposed to find an attractive stranger, fantasize about his skills as a lover and then see if that fantasy can get you off that night. Um, don’t most of us do that everyday?
9. Make every moment matter. Like I said, stopping at a traffic light or waiting in line at a toll or drive-thru is the perfect opportunity to get things started with your lover. But if you use every moment to talk dirty or explore your man’s body, he’ll think sex is all you’re after.