There are a zillion mega-reality shows out there, but “Dancing with the Stars” has long been my favorite. Why? Because it’s part “Strictly Ballroom,” part the “Surreal Life.” I mean, where else can you see Joey Lawrence out fox trot Cloris Leachman?
During the Grammys, ABC announced the new lineup of celebrities competing in “DwtS”‘ eighth season, which kicks off March 9th. The bizarro assemblage of “stars” (and let’s face it, the word should be in quotes) has us even more ridiculously excited about the show than normal. After the jump, the contestants we just can’t wait to see rumba…
Famous For: Marrying and having Charlie Sheen’s babies; Being dubbed the worst Bond Girl of all time by Entertainment Weekly; That Matt Dillon and Neve Campbell threesome scene in “Wild Things.”
Why We Wanna See Her Moves: Ever since she appeared for five seconds in an episode of “Saved by the Bell,” we’ve been entranced by the Queen of Bad Acting.
Predictions: Though her acting is atrocious, we bet she’s a decent dancer and will make it at least halfway through the season.
Famous For: My hands are small/I know/But they’re not Yours/They are my Own”; being a snaggle toothed poet who lived in her car.
Why We Wanna See Her Moves: Because even on stage, singing in front of millions of people, she always seemed so uptight and reserved. Nothing like an overload of sequins to break her out of it.
Predictions: She won’t astound, but she also won’t be a complete flop.
Famous For: Marrying Jewel; Riding bulls and broncos; Having a hefty ego—as his website says, “Basketball has Michael Jordan. Hockey’s got Wayne Gretzky. Few cycling aficionados dispute the dominance of Lance Armstrong. On that same rarified plateau, Ty Murray stands as the most accomplished rodeo athlete in the history of the sport.”
Why We Wanna See His Moves: To see if bull riding skills convert into doing the Vienese Waltz.
Predictions: Since it’s fun to see the cocky ones lose, we bet he’ll be out first or second.
Famous For: Being the Apple co-founder who isn’t Steve Jobs; Crashing a small aircraft in 1981 and getting retrograde amnesia after the accident.
Why We Wanna See His Moves: Because he’s old, hefty, completely geeky, and kind of weird. Cue the life transformation montage.
Predictions: You did see “Revenge of the Nerds,” right? He’s in it for a while.
Famous For: Spending a year and a day in jail on perjury charges after lying to a jury about a shooting at New York’s Hot 97 radio station; Being one of the most successful female rappers in the US; Being Biggie’s lover.
Why We Wanna See Her Moves: We adore the Queen Bee and her outlandish wardrobe decisions.
Predictions: Three words—blue sequined pasties.
Famous For: Appearing on Wheaties boxes and in McDonalds commercials in the runup to summer Olympics; Being America’s best shot at a gymnastics all-around medal until teammate Nastia Liukin edged her out.
Why We Wanna See Her Moves: Because we already know that she’s absurdly flexible. And maybe she can throw in a tumbling pass every now and then.
Predictions: Um, hello. She’s an Olympic gymnast who is used to training umpteen hours a day. She has this one in the bag.
David Alan Grier
Famous For: Playing characters like crazy shop teacher Al MacAfee and Calhoun Tubbs, the not-so-gufted blues musician, on “In Living Color”; Hosting Comedy Central’s hilarious “Chocolate News.”
Why We Wanna See His Moves: Because we’ve rarely seen him with a straight face.
Predictions: We love him, but we don’t think he’ll make it more than a few episodes.
Famous For: Inspiring legions of fans in the ’80s as the frontwoman of the Go-Gos; Appearing nekkid on the cover of Playboy in 2001, just as the Go-Gos were launching a reunion tour.
Why We Wanna See Her Moves: Because we still secretly sing “Heaven is a Place on Earth” in the shower.
Predictions: She may be pushing 50, but we still think she’ll rock the competition. Pun intended.