Hey bitches, I’m baccccck! I’m sorry I missed last week’s episode, but trust that I was mourning the loss of Eyebrows just as much as the rest of America. Tonight the remaining bachelorettes — Naomi, Molly, Jillian and Melissa — take Papa Bach back to their hometowns to meet their families. This is guaranteed to the episode that makes me miss Shayne’s mom. So check back with this post starting at
8pm 9pm EST!8:58 Are y’all ready? Should we start taking bets on who the final three will be? My gut says Naomi, Molly, and Jillian.
9:00 Ruh-roh, Obama is going over time a touch. Oh Mr. President. Oh wait, he’s done. Must be a fan. Looking back at the recap of last week’s episode, I might want to change my vote. I think Melissa might be in, Molly might be out. Hmm. Ugh, I miss Eyebrows. She was awesome. Eyebrows for Bachelorette. Sign the petition. With an eyebrow pencil.
9:05 Um, Jillian’s MOM has depression? Bitch, I got depression. Get a better sob story, for realz. Oh crap, Naomi’s parents are hippies? Hell yeah. Wow, Melissa’s parents are, um, like normal parents it seems, who don’t want their kid meeting some dude on TV and won’t appear on the show. Sweet.
9:08 Jillian is pretty great. She’s fun. Her grandma seems kind of scary though. Whoa, Jillian has a serious accent. Oh, so a little Bach gossip. DeAnna is now dating Ace who was on the Paris season of “The Real World.” Girlfriend is obvi a fame whore. And Jesse is dating some chick who was on the “London Calling” season of “The Bach.” I forget her name. Sarah?
9:10 Hmm, I enjoy Molly. And I like Naomi. But she’s a little bit of a youngster. She still seems like she’s into giving belly shots. She has that beautiful Eva Mendes look though — her skin tone is like warm caramel. Can you tell I’ve always wanted skin like warm caramel? So jealous.
9:13 Wait, how many kids does Melissa have? Someone remind me. Jamie Lee?
9:18 I like Jillian’s coat. Ohhh she’s Canaaaadian. Okay. That explains the OOT. And HOOSE instead of house. Her pink motorcycle gloves are pretty dope too. Okay, so I think I am rooting for her. I feel bad for making fun of Jillian’s mom’s depression. Her mom tried to kill herself. That’s really hard to grow up with. Oh this is very touching and emotional. It actually feels quite genuine. Although I wonder if her mom minds her telling the world about her problems?
9:28 Jillian’s parents are adorable. They’re so wholesome. Jillian For The Win. I predict. Even though her mother writes realllllllly awful toasts/poetry. White wine drinkers. I like it. Haha, Jillian’s mom has notes and a list of questions. Jillian and her cousin look like sisters. I like that for the first time on this show, they’re actually talking about a person having depth.
9:34 Jesus, these parents are effing cute. I want to miniaturize them and put them in my pocket. Also, I have to pee. Commercial break soon, please. Oh good, they are talking about Jillian’s accent. And her Grandma has arrived! I think Grandma wants to date Jason — after she marries Jillian off to some Northern Canadian Ukranian. There’s Ukranians in Northern Canada? Can we also get Jillian’s some facial powder? She is looking a little shiny. This show makes me want to make out. MAKE OUT.
9:39 PEE BREAK.
9:42 Could Molly possibly compete with Jillian? We’ll seeeee….eww, country club. I don’t like this beyatch. I bet she was a debutante. Do Molly’s parents have astroturf for a front lawn? I dunno, she’s not compatible for Jason, I don’t think. I think she’s going home. I mean, golf is their passion. That’s kind of weird, unless you’re Tiger Woods. And now her parents are trying to wacky, but it seems so fake and forced. SEE YA LATER MOLLY. Don’t let the golf clubs hit you on the way out. This family is snooooooozevilllllleeeeeee…….WINE BREAK. Someone tell me when Molly and her boring family are gone, okay?
9:57 I think Papa Bach is into Naomi for the sex. I like that Naomi’s mom rocks the gray hair. And she tried to save a dove. Or she tried to release it into the afterlife in a kind way. Okay, kind of loving this family, thus kind of loving Naomi. A Jillian/Naomi face-off would be pretty exciting for this show, which usually has personality-less blond vs. personality-less brunette in the finale.
10:05 What’s up with the Harry Potter music? Gawdddd, longest episode EVER. I need dessert. Um, wait a second, these dove burying weirdos are hardcore religious? Really? Oh, but wait, Joanne, the mom, is not so crazy religious as Hector, her husband. She has premonitions and believes in past lives. WTF? Naomi is drinking red wine. I cosign that.
[SIDE NOTE: The guy I am kind of dating, just accidentally said "love you" instead of "miss you" in an IM. To freak out or to not freak out, that is the question.]
10:20 I feel bad for Melissa — this puts her at a big disadvantage. That said, I think she won’t go home. Melissa is annoying me sort of. Am I just distracted? I think so. What is up with Melissa’s parents? Maybe they don’t exist. Maybe Melissa emerged from a pea pod in a magical garden.
10:39 I am going to reitterate. Molly is going home. Putt putt. I hate this part where Papa Bach has DEEP THOUGHTS with Chris Harrison.
10:46 MOLLY?! THE NUMBER ONE CALLED? WTF? I DO NOT COSIGN. Phew. Jillian has a rose…Who will it be? Melissa or Naomi?
10:53 MELISSA. WHOA. Oh Naomi. Your mom kicked this relationship to the curb along with that dead dove. He is basically all, “Naomi, no matter what you say, you tots wanna party. And I don’t. I want to make s’mores.” Anyway, I reiterate, JILLIAN FOR THE WIN.