• Relationships

First Time For Everything: Hot Ugly Sex

“So when can we meet him?”

This is a question that most women long to hear from their friends after dating a great guy for a couple of weeks. It is the last thing you want to hear, however, when your current beau is unattractive. Alright, I am sugarcoating it — this guy was ugly. Now, please hold your judgment; I have always prided myself on being able to look past a pretty face and see a man’s inner hotness. When I found myself heartbroken and alone after a gut wrenching breakup, the last thing I wanted was a rebound with a vapid Ken Doll. The sight of men made my stomach churn, and I spent most of my days moping about in coffee shops. Therefore, it was no surprise that when I heard, “Can I sit down?” my initial reaction was to reach for my umbrella, ready to attack, à la Britney Spears.

I looked up to see a crooked smile with uneven teeth. The freckles followed … No, wait. They were moles, topped off with a receding hairline. It was as if my Great Uncle Milton was staring down at me. There was such optimism in his voice that I told him to have a seat.

“I knew you would let me sit down,” he said. “I always win over the ladies with my Scott Baio good looks.”

Three hours flew by, and I learned that along with his engaging sense of humor, Mr. Coffee Shop was well-traveled, ambitious, and possessed a childlike charm. We spent many nights cooking dinner together in his beautifully furnished apartment, followed by cuddle sessions in front of the fire for dessert. Because I found him nonthreatening, it was easy to open up and be myself. He taught me how to fix a computer, the importance of classic rock, and always wrapped me up in bed like a burrito. A woman is more likely to receive a visit from Ed McMahon than to receive an all-night spoon, but he kept me warm throughout the coldest winter nights.

Mr. Coffee Shop never pressured me for sex, which only made me yearn for him more. One night I looked into his kind eyes and knew that we had waited long enough. To my delightful surprise, that first night together generated the most satisfying sexual experience of my life. He was full of surprises; even his body looked different from other men’s. His Captain Hook was, well, hooked. That’s right — it curved to the left like a question mark. The biggest question was how did I not realize that all of these so-called imperfections had actually resulted in a wonderful, dateable man?

My friends and family never met Mr. Coffee Shop. Sadly, he moved away shortly after we met. I still speak of him often and with the utmost affection. Even now, when I need a little, ahem, “sexual inspiration,” I inevitably think back to him and our steamy nights together.

And that is a beautiful thing.

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