Dude Awakening: Guy’s Guide To The Super Bowl

For the past five months I’ve been hard at work. I get up on Sundays at the crack of noon to scream and eat chicken wings. I’ve logged major couch time, tested the limits of sweat pant elasticity…all in the name of football. Am I ashamed of myself? A little. But that doesn’t mean I’m hanging up my foam finger. There’s still the Super Bowl to be played.

This Sunday, the Pittsburgh Steelers take on the Arizona Cardinals. Since 1967, the champs of the American and National football conferences have battled for bragging rights, a Tiffany and Co. championship trophy, and an “I’m Going to Disney Land” commercial.

If you haven’t been following the game but want to keep your man company on the couch, here’s a refresher on what you need to know…
Dream Teams
The Steelers play tough and gritty. The blue-collar sweethearts of the NFL have five Super Bowl championships, which is exactly five more than Arizona has. The Cardinals are the underdogs; for fifty years, they’ve been football’s suckiest.

Most Valuable Players
A team’s only as good as the guy who throws the ball. Arizona’s quarterback is the former grocery store bagger turned football legend, Kurt Warner. He’s kind of old, but still pretty awesome. Pittsburgh’s wunderkind is Ben Roethlisberger, the youngest QB to ever win a Super Bowl, at the tender age of 23.

Then there is the wide receiver. Lately, nobody runs and catches better than Arizona’s Larry Fitzgerald, so keep your eye on the guy with the Marley-length dreadlocks. He’ll have to work his magic against a team that really hates to get scored on. Pittsburgh’s awesome defense is nicknamed “The Steel Curtain.”

An exciting game is nice, but it’s about so much more.

  • You can bet on everything, including the length of the National Anthem. If Jennifer Hudson does it in under 1:54, that’s a cool fifty in my pocket.
  • I love the halftime show. This year, it’s the inspired choice of Bruce Springsteen. The Boss is unlikely to have a wardrobe malfunction, though. You’re only seeing his nipple if he wants you to.
  • Ever since Apple blew our minds with their “1984” ad twenty-five years ago, Super Bowl commercials have been almost as memorable as the game itself. And at $6 million a minute, they better. Too bad PETA’s too-hot-for-prime time spot has already been banned.
  • And don’t forget the gluttony. Second only to Thanksgiving for food consumption, the Super Bowl means eating grotesque amounts of deep fried and bacon-wrapped things.
  • Super Bowl parties are an egalitarian affair.
    Men, women, first timers, face-painters… anyone’s welcome to sit back, gorge, and watch some football. Just BYO sweatpants.