Doin’ It With Dr. V: Exercising Your Kegels
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started… While a lot of people made the New Year’s resolution to work out more, there’s one part of your body most women forget to make tight. Kegel exercises, the muscle-toning fitness routine for your V, don’t require fancy equipment, a gym membership or even a sports bra. Everything you need is between your thighs.
HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME
A few months after my aunt’s friend gave birth, we all took her out to celebrate with her first MNO (Mom’s Night Out). Being a college student at the time, I rallied the ladies to do shots — BIG mistake. We all got wasted and then the new mom decided that since I was the youngest, she needed to corner me so she could practice her new parenting abilities. The lesson she chose? Kegels. Yes, the exercise for your vagina. Since she had a boy, I was the girl she could find to impart this life skill, and there was no stopping her after four blue colored test tubes worth of drunk. Plus, after graphically describing the wear and tear she felt after pushing out a 9lb infact, I understood the necessity of it all. I know giving birth is a beautiful thing that might happen to me should some poor schmo fall for this twisted sister and then want to make a mini-me, but even if I don’t spawn, I still got to Kegel for my own sexy time good! So, what began as an uncomfortable moment between me and a new mom has become an invaluable ability.
WHO’S TO BLAME
First of all, your vagina is not loose. That is some serious BS, so don’t listen to no man who says having sex with you is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Your vag is like spandex — you can stretch it a lot, but it also snaps right back into action. No dick is too big, no baby too great, no amount of sex is too much. Your vagina can take it all!
Of course, if you just pushed a baby out your hoo-ha, you might feel a lil’ stretched out, but that’s completely understandable. Most vaginas will bounce back and get in shape within a few months after the birth on their own. And after a couple months of Kegel exercises, your baby-maker will be like, “What kid?” Seriously though, your‘ vagina is not a hole; it’s an opening with potential to get stuffed like an envelope. Do not let someone make you feel like it’s not fit for effing. After all, maybe they’re just too small.
You may not be able to see them, but your vag has got pretty strong muscles. After all, they can already do tricks like push out a precious bundle of joy, invite a dude that needs Magnum condoms over for a party, help you reach an orgasm, and even stand up to father time. But they still need exercise to get even fitter.
WHAT TO DO
Kegels are meant to tone the pubococcygeus muscles of the pelvic floor. So first things first, you have to make sure you’re working out the right muscles. Here are two techniques of checking that you’ve got the right muscles under control:
A. Turn Off The Faucet: While you’re peeing, stop the flow of urine. The muscle that lets you do THAT is the muscle you want to exercise! Now, don’t go using this technique as part of your exercise routine because when you have a full bladder, the move can actually weaken the muscles because of all the pressure. This is just a test!
B. Give The Finger: Lie down and stick one finger in your holy hole and squeeze down on it. If you can feel the clamp, you’ve got the right muscle.
Now that we know where, here’s the how:
1. Empty your bladder (see above).
2. Pucker up! Squeeze or contract your pelvic floor muscles.
3. Hold it for three to five seconds. Start with three and as you get stronger, you can work your way up!
4. Relax those muscles for the same amount of seconds you held it for. It should feel like you’re peeing or releasing a tampon. This step is so important, you’re not truly exercising unless you have a relaxed state to contract from.
5. Repeat the contract and relax cycle 10 times.
6. Then, over the course of the day, do three repetitions of the set. Squeeze them in whenever you can! Remember, Dr. Kegel, the innovator of this workout, said this exercise isn’t about strength, it’s about “conditioning of the sexual reflex.”
WHERE I WENT WRONG
Do NOT go buying expensive equipment to help you with Kegels. There is no high-end elliptical equivalent for your diva down there. Dr. Kegel did invent the perineometer, so that set of tubes is cool. However, 99% of the products out there on the market are junk and, in some cases, have been found to be dangerous. The FeminX Kegel Exerciser™ received the first marketing clearance by the FDA as a 510(K) Medical Device, but honestly, you do not need that crap! Especially in this recession, who wants a $60 waste of space?! Everything you need to do Kegels, you were born with.
You should do your Kegel exercises as often as you eat meals, i.e. three times a day! On that kind of schedule, you should see the results of your not-so-hard workout within two to three months. Especially when you’re satisfied with the results, you have to keep up with the exercise!
None. You can literally do Kegels anywhere: while you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, while you’re stuck in traffic, while you’re watching a movie, or even checking your email at work. Because you’re solely working the muscles in your private sector, no one will notice. Hell, I’m doing mine right now! Oh yeah.
1. Pee Wee: In addition to all the benefits for your vajayjay, Kegels can help with incontinence in men and women. So, share this article with your Grams and Gramps!
2. Just Breathe: Don’t hold your breath when you do Kegels. Inhale and exhale normally.
3. One At A Time: Be sure you’re not flexing other muscles like your booty or thighs when you do Kegels. Isolate those bad boys!
4. Action Reaction: Before you sneeze, jump, or lift something, hold a contraction. Those actions can hurt your pelvic muscles with their pressure, so keep them safe and tight.
5. Like A Pro: Kegels also prevent your vagina from prolapsing, which is, uh, when a bunch of your organs slide out.
Whoever said men have the control in sex never felt a Kegel. Toning up your kit and caboodle lets you run the party from your end. You’ll be able to tighten your tunnel of love and that kind of action can also aid in the big O for you and your man. So, grip it over and over again like a pulse. You heard me! Bare down and squeeze to please. Doing Kegels when you’re kicking it helps you give him something he can feel, plus it’ll help you get off.
1. The exercise is named after an Los Angeles gyno, Dr. Arnold Kegel (1894-1981). In 1950, his exercise prevented 93% of his patients from having to get an operation because of their incontinence. However, he also felt strengthening the promise land’s muscles would help women achieve an orgasm. Wonder what he’d have to say about the vaginoplasty practitioners in his hometown?
2. The Kegel was developed in 1948.
3. Kegel exercises aren’t just for women — men can benefit too! Kegel exercises will lift his testicles, prevent incontinence, and has been known to also help with premature ejaculation. Just another bonus we can all share.
4. Kegel exercise can be pronounced KAY-guhl or KEY-guhl.
5. Kegel is also the name of an Australian bowling game based on a German tradition.