A few weeks ago, I wrote about my least favorite issue of Us Weekly — their annual “Diets That Work!” extravaganza. As usual, they lauded the absurd diet and fitness habits of already totally skinny celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce, and Molly Sims. But three weeks have passed and the editors have seemed to come to a realization — many of the fad celebrity diets which result in the super slim bodies they praised for “28 Bonus Pages!” are actually, GASP, dangerous and unhealthy. The latest issue of Us reports on “the new and risky cleanses stars” — like Paltrow, Beyonce, and Sims — “use to slim down.” Wait, you mean Gwyneth needs to do more than work out 14 hours a week in order to have those enviable stems? Say WHAT?!We’ve already written extensively on Paltrow’s POOP, I mean GOOP, cleanse, in which she ingests nothing but smoothies and soups for a week in order to “lose a few pounds of holiday excess.” While this is the least dangerous of the diets Us discusses, and some of the recipes sound sort of delicious, Wendy was right to point out that appetizer sized portions wouldn’t fill up a normal, healthy, functioning woman. And yes, Gwynnie, most of us have to function on a day-to-day basis, not detox in the Maldives.
Beyonce, on the other hand, drops weight fast the old fashioned way, via the super famous, super nasty Master Cleanse. Beyonce spent 14 days drinking nothing but a mix of lemon juice, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper and eating fish in order to drop 20 lbs in two weeks for “Dreamgirls.” She “felt weak,” but she looked fierce and isn’t that all that matters?
Celebrities like Molly Sims are a little lazier with the weight loss lunacy. When the former model needs to get skinny, she visits the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, California, where the staff only lets it’s rich clientele eat 400 calories per day and an ass load, literally, of wheat grass shots, while administering regular colonics. Coo-coo weight loss methods like these literally work the s**t out of your butt. Sexy!
One of the more popular up-and-coming cleanses is the Blueprint Cleanse, beloved by blog-u-tards like Julia Allison and Mary Rambin, as well as celebs like Sarah Jessica Parker. This three-to-10 day cleanse consists solely of juices high in diuretics, which give you extreme diarrhea. Nutritionist Brenda Watson says juice cleanses like these “could be dangerous and expensive.” They could also make you look like the Blueprint owners, who look like they should be on a feeding tube diet of cheeseburgers and fried chicken, but I digress.
So what are the other medical risks of diets and cleanses like these? Us Weekly‘s experts cite fatigue, irritability (is that why Paltrow always seems so uptight?), loss of nutrients (Ha! Who cares?!), and digestive problems — in other words, they’re poopy. But next week in Us Weekly! “Dangerous Celebrity Diets That Totally Work So Who Gives A Crap?!”