Fantasies We Hope Never Come True

In a recent article from “Men’s Health” a female writer decides to speak for her gender and tell the mostly male readers what women wish they’d do to get them off. Of the 18 fantasies she lists, I concur with six…well, maybe six and a half. The others are just so off-the-mark and absurd, I worry about men incorporating these fantasies into their sexual routines and turning off women so dramatically that all sex becomes just a fantasy. After the jump, a few of the “women’s fantasies” that are especially ridiculous.

#4 Ask me to perform yoga poses naked: I’ve been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I’ll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you’ll especially like the views when I’m in camel pose and standing bow.

Being trampled by wild horses while wearing my favorite Frye ankle boots would be less painful than folding myself into unflattering naked yoga poses in front of my boyfriend. Can anyone imagine anything less sexy that the thought of sticking your bare ass in your boyfriend’s face while stretching into a naked downward dog? Besides, I’m done exercising for the day.

#5 Slide your hand up my skirt when you’re following me upstairs.

Yeah, and why don’t you yank one of my pigtails and snap my bra while you’re at it, Mr. Annoying.

#14 Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They’ll think we have a smokin’ sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

No, other women won’t wish they had a guy like you, they’ll feel utterly relieved they’ve been mercifully spared from tacky sleazeballs like you and they’ll feel pretty sorry for me that I don’t have enough self-respect to find someone who doesn’t lick my tonsils in front of his colleagues. Also, I don’t care what other people think of my sex life — smokin’ or not — and anyone who does care what others think just comes across as insecure and desperate.

#15 Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.

Ladies, a show of hands, please. Who among you would actually like your guy to get you drunk, prop you on an effing car and eat you like a piece of fruit one crunches into? Also, wasn’t this scene stolen directly from an old Skinemax flick?

#16 Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.

Oh man, first I have to fold your laundry, then I get stuck cleaning the drain, and then I’ve got to screw you all night long? Here’s an idea — you fold your own laundry, I’ll fold my own laundry and we’ll screw for an hour before we go out for Thai food and bowling. And how about we both orchestrate the finale?

#17 Watch me shave my legs. Offer to help me shave other places.

Remember how I didn’t think it was such a good idea that I fold myself into naked yoga poses in front of my boyfriend? Well, add soap, water and a razor and I still think it’s a bad idea. Shaving legs is awkward business! And how many other places do women shave besides our legs, anyway? There’s a reason there aren’t many scenes in movies of men shaving their love interests’ armpits. It’s not hot. Ditto on the bikini line. The thought of you coming anywhere near my hooha with a razor just makes cringe with anxiety.

One fantasy suggested in the Men’s Health article that I can totally embrace is this:

#13 Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

I’m not so sure about chewing the buttons off, but there’s nothing like a man in some snug boxer briefs to get me all wound up. As long as he doesn’t ask me to strike a naked warrior pose.