On the newest episode of “The Real World: Brooklyn” (the show started last week and has been relatively boring), one of the male housemates made a big show of having to use Magnum condoms. Oh really dude? Seriously, there is no bigger marketing scam than Magnums, except maybe New Coke, only New Coke failed, and Magnums, for whatever reason, are still on shelves. Designed to make guys with slightly bigger than average penises feel like they’ve got a giant’s schlong between their legs, the truth is, even King Kong could fit his willy in a regular ol’ connie. I’ve had sexual relations with a few gentlemen who felt that their junk was worthy of a few extra centimeters of latex, and while, yes, they were admirably large in the penis department, their insistence that they “needed” Magnums made them look oh-so-small in my eyes. It all goes back to 6th grade sex ed. Remember when the teacher demonstrated the strength of a latex condom by blowing it up with air like a balloon or shoving her whole hand inside and flexing her fingers? Yet a regular condom feels “tight” and “constricting” for guys who are eight inches as opposed to six when fully erect, huh?
Dudes who buy Magnums are kind of the opposite of guys who buy
Porches Porsches because their penises are so small. They’re bragging about the one thing they know they’ve got going for them, to anyone who will listen — drug store cashiers, sexual partners, the cleaning lady — to distract you and themselves from everything else that they’re insecure about. This is why you should never date a guy who insists on Magnums. Sleeping with them? Well that’s another story.