Yeah, yeah, I know I said last week’s column was going to be the final Breakup Diaries post, but then something amazing happened and I couldn’t resist an update. Last week I wrote about how, despite having made significant strides in recovering and moving on from my breakup, my ex still was haunting me in my dreams. On almost a nightly basis I was finding myself dreaming about him, begging him for answers — clearly, the thing holding me back from completely moving on was just questions about what got us there in the first place. The unfortunate thing about those dreams was knowing that I may NEVER get the answers I was seeking. I could only hope the dreams would go away sooner rather than later. Which brings me to last night…I dreamed about him again, but this time the tone was decidedly different. The details are vague, but I remember that I was supposed to meet him out at night and when I got there, it was clear that we were back together — that our breakup was just a mix up, a miscommunication. He had never wanted to break up, I had misunderstood. We were together! Hooray! Everything was back to normal. Only it wasn’t. In the dream I remember feeling panicked and genuinely disappointed that we were back together. The time apart in real life had allowed me to see how the fit between us wasn’t quite right. That I missed him terribly and was happy to see him again, but I didn’t want to BE with him again.
In the dream I felt a weird obligation to let my life go back to the way it was — like I almost didn’t have a choice. At one point I remember noticing things he would do in real life — but exaggerated — and feeling very irritated. Like the things that made him not right for me were suddenly apparent in the dream and that I didn’t have to ignore those things anymore. Like I didn’t have to hold on to that relationship as the end all, be all for me. I woke up this morning and felt a huge weight lifted. My subconscious was confirming what I had been thinking for a little while now. That things worked out the way they were supposed to. I had a wonderful, fun, exciting five years with that man, I was lucky enough to be a part of his family during that time, and I grew so much as a result of our bond and our relationship — but that he wasn’t my partner for life. And that is okay.