Dispatches From The Adult Entertainment Expo

After a few days — or even a few minutes — at the Adult Entertainment Expo, your brain begins to process things differently than it did previously. Breasts covered by clothing seem unusual, almost confusing. Loud moans emanate from adult movies on view at various booths and orgasm contests at others. Since this was my third year, I’m relatively unshockable. Which means that I was able to look past dildos as thick as forearms, girls grinding each other, and a bald man in a black suit who claimed to have equipment that dwarfed John Holmes to determine the best of what the world’s biggest sex convention had to offer.Early on in my exploration, I was introduced to El Dorado’s Sexerciseme ball (ElDorado.net). It’s like those medicine balls that people who are more devoted to their abs than I am do crunches on in the gym. But this one provides something Equinox never would: a dildo attachment for post-workout pleasure. Other attachment options include butt plugs and rabbit vibrators. Wholesale price: $39.75 for the ball, plus an additional $55.75 for the rabbit attachment.

For Whole Foods devotees, Intimate Organics has entire line of gels and sprays devoted to improving your sex life in the most organic way possible. Products include anal relaxing cream for men and women; although, there was no word on what the difference was between the two.

On the more extreme end of sex toys, there was an ejaculating dildo that its proud inventor explained cavalierly was for “come fetishists.” Although he gave me the wrong URL for the product’s website, careful detective work on my part — that is, correctly guessing there probably weren’t a lot of sites that contained the word ejaxxulator — led me to the right one, which is … coming soon.

For those interested in more standard fare — like having sex with another person instead of an inanimate object — there was the blowguard (available at BlowGuard.com). For $27.95, it promises to “take the ‘job’ out of blow jobs.” Basically, it’s a dental dam with a bullet attachment, which I have to admit is kind of an ingenious concept. Safe oral sex + bite free = why didn’t someone think of this before?

The We-Vibe’s Clitoral & G-Spot Vibrator (We-Vibe.com) won an Erotic Line award in 2008 (apparently, this is no small deal in the porn world). You put one end of the C-shaped silicone product inside you, leave the other end on top, and turn it on. Then, you have sex. The company claims that ladies can wear it while “walking around” because “it will always try to stay nestled into the woman’s erogenous zone.”

At other booths, a “G-spot doctor” offered “enhancement procedures,” a woman in a latex tuxedo showed off Liquid Latex Fashions, a school advertised classes on how to gain entry into the porn business (AdultVideoAcademy.com), and Nearly Me Technologies (TGTransforms.com) offered products designed to transform men into women and vice versa.