Doin’ It With Dr. V: Spanking
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…
Salon.com’s advice columnist, Cary Tennis, gets a lot of questions, from the bizarre to the just plain sexy. Why just yesterday, a virgin who just wants to be spanked wrote in. Oh help me, Cary! Needless to say, he is one lucky dude. While he takes his questions seriously and his advice can be good, it’s also a little, well, metaphorical. Even he recommended she seek the aid of another gal who likes to be dominated. So, here I am and I’m going to get straight to the point, sweetheart! This is how I think you should handle getting manhandled….. These are the juicy bits of our lady’s letter:
“In my circle of friends, I am the logical, sensible one. I don’t go out on Saturday night and get trashed and hook up with strangers, but my friends do. I believe in making deliberate, rational decisions. I’m still a virgin because I know that I become emotionally involved when I am physically involved, and I would rather wait until I’m married (or in a very serious relationship). I don’t want to lose my virginity to some dude at the bar who bought me five tequila slammers.
My question is this: At what point do I need to break the news that I’m a virgin? I’m not planning on having sex anytime soon, but I really like kissing and touching. At the same time, being very pragmatic, I know that most men are just trying to sleep with me and move on. I don’t want to lead men on, so I’m not sure what to do. Do I bluntly tell the man that I’m a virgin? If so, when? At what point do I give him the option of bailing? Most people my age are sexually active (and I like older men) so the guy naturally assumes that he has a shot at getting me in bed. When a guy buys me a drink, I want to just say, “Look, I don’t blame you for trying, but I’ll never sleep with you.” I think sex is a healthy way to bond, have fun and so forth, but I’m waiting — and while that is certainly my choice, what do I tell the guy?
There is also a slight complication — I’m interested in power exchange. I like being dominated. Not in any serious or harmful way, but the idea of spanking turns me on, and I’d like to experiment with that. Do you see the predicament? I’m not a blushing virgin, but I am a virgin, and plan on staying that way for a while.” – Pragmatic but Frustrated
So, “Pragmatic but Frustrated,” I agree that no one should trade their virginity for free shots. I can understand that you don’t want your v-card swiped willy-nilly, but you do want to be a lil’ naughty. [Note: Secretly, I think this letter was actually sent in by a chastity pledging Jonas Brother, but I digress.] For the record, I don’t pity the poor fools you’ll cock tease, I know they’ll feel damn lucky just to slap your ass, even if they can’t tap it.
Plus, so much of bondage and discipline isn’t about sex itself, so it is a-okay if you want to stay a virgin and still play. I agree with everything Mr. Tennis told you about the risks of losing yourself in the moment and the importance of trusting your partner, so, I just want to re-enforce that. But I also think it’s kind of funny that you think it’ll be easier to find a man you can trust to dominate you over one to make sweet love with. I usually take my cowboys out for a ride at the rodeo before I let them tie me up with their lasso. But, hey, you definitely don’t have to! So, bottoms up!
HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME
The first time I got sexy spanked, I was taken totally by surprise. We were mid-make out when he lifted up my skirt. I thought he was headed for my tunnel of love with those hands, but then I felt a slap. Oh! I immediately fell over his lap, ass up — call it instinct or an instantaneous ability to recreate the scenes I’d seen in Bettie Page’s pin-up photos. The hot hunk chuckled at my enthusiasm, warmed up his hands, and the rest is history.
WHO IS TO BLAME
When you want to be dominated, you have to give someone the power to do it. Oddly enough, the control is in your hands, at first. So, ask for what you want and then he’ll be able to make you beg for it.
WHAT TO DO
It’s a mere slap on the butt, but it’s still worth having a casual chit-chat about what you want so you can get it! Lead him into a conversation about your secret fantasies. Plus you’ll naturally set boundaries. For instance, are you okay with paddling? It’s a good idea to include toys or “implements” in your talk, tell him what’s okay to use — from the hand, to the hard back of your hairbrush, to even a leather strap. A standard set of stoplight based safe words can also be really effective for a heavy petting spank-a-thon. Green means go, yellow means slow, red means stop. Sometimes, we all can get carried away!
SIGNAL THE SPANKFEST
1. Bend Over: Lay right across the lap of the person you want to spank you. Flash them that “please” look so they’ll take the bait.
2. It’s My Party: You can always ask for birthday spankings…just make sure he won’t check the date on your license if you’re gonna lie.
3. Boy Toy: Buy a riding crop or a paddle and then give it to your partner.
4. Hands Up: Show them you’re wearing a thong and then put their hand on your lovely lady lumps. Giving them something to see and grab is a good first step.
5. Nail ‘Em: Some men read digging your nails into their back as a sign that you like to be spanked. While I can’t explain the seemingly Pavlovian correlation, it is a way to get what you want.
Did you know that BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism), the kink blanket that spanking falls under, isn’t directly related to having intercourse? It’s eroticizing power for pleasure. Sure, you can incorporate sex, and BDSM can really put the play in foreplay, but let’s be clear — it is a sexy act, not a sex act. In fact, that’s why working as a submissive or a dominatrix is legal! So, you don’t have to go downtown, at all, actually. It’ll turn you on and it’s even completely safe for virgins!
According to AskMen.com, “Virtually every man on Earth has had the desire to spank his woman.” While I’d say that is true in the vast majority of cases, I’ve definitely made at least one guy raise an eyebrow when I asked to be smacked on my bare ass. However, no one has ever refused to indulge me since it’s a preference that’s easily obliged and that also gives them free reign to grab my butt. Much more often than distaste, I find men are afraid to go in for the spank for fear that they’ll seem like Ike Turner. Gentlemen were raised not to go around hitting their special lady, so usually they’re looking for signals from you that say, “Pretty please, slap my big juicy booty.” The question here is, are you woman enough to tell them what you want?
1. Round Up: Do not go love tapping with a flat hand. To make a louder slap noise and give it less sting, spank with a cupped palm and keep your fingers together.
2. The Nerve: The bottom is an erogenous zone with plenty of arousal nerves. The problem/cool part is that they’re buried under fat. So, it takes something like a spank to really hit ‘em!
3. Handy Man: Between spanks, get grabby. Anticipation coupled with other touch stimulation can really turn up the heat.
4. Go With The Flow: Striking the booty is a way to bring blood to the area and that’s how you set yourself up for an orgasm.
5. Naughty Girl: A lot of people like to incorporate a punishment-related role playing to their spanking. For instance, “I’ve been a bad, bad girl!” And then they take their sexy consequences like a good girl.
Now I know I just prattled on about how to handle this sort of situation with a partner, but you definitely don’t need a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to get spanked! There are lots of playful groups and clubs around the country that offer safe, sex-free environments for people who just want a little spanking action. From dungeons to swingin’ shindigs, you can find a range of options for what you’re looking for. I advise reading their rules beforehand and bringing a wing-woman anywhere you think you might want to join in. That way you know someone has got your back, even if that’s not the kind of back you’re interested in partying with.
1. Philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau was a spankophile! “Man is born free but everywhere he is in chains.” Hmm, maybe he begged for those chains.
2. Up until the 16th century, spanking was thought to be a treatment for women who were infertile. In fact, in Ancient Greece, childless women would go to get ritually whipped on the butt with a goat’s hide at the Temple of Juno in Athens.
3. Pope Adrian I outlawed flogging female bottoms after a corrupt priest was found to be harassing a nun.
4. Dorothy Spencer wrote “The Spanking Plan,” a “guide to giving a submitting to” the back of your husband or wife’s hand as a sign of love in 1936. It is considered the Bible of spank.
5. Up through the ‘50s, whips and paddles were sections in the New York Yellow Pages.