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Liveblogging “The Bachelor” Premiere January 5th 2009

Starting at 8pm this evening, I’ll be liveblogging the two hour (lord, help me) premiere of “The Bachelor” starring last season’s “Bachelorette” loser Jason Mesnick. To be honest, I found Jason to be mealy-mouthed and kind of annoying, so I was terribly bummed that he was chosen as the new “Bachelor.” But I am putting aside my previous feelings and opening my mind to the possibility that ABC might have finally found a man who can make a “Bachelor” love match last. And this time, the Bach is looking for a wife and a baby momma for his son. Come back to this post at 8pm and help me liveblog the first episode — it’s one of my faves, as there’s usually a crazy bitch or two who gets wasted and tosses her panties in the Bach’s face.7:57 Whee! The Bach is back! Confession: I’ve had green bean salad, or green beans in some form, everyday for, like, two weeks. Is that weird? Also, I am probably going to space out my little updates in this liveblog, as writing something for every minute of action is verrrrrrrrry draining. Especially when there’s two hours worth to blog. Cool? Cool.
8:01 Jason should be glad DeAnna didn’t pick him, as she was clearly a flaky lose-bag and would have been a complete disappointment to him and his kid.
8:03 I gotta say, there really is something sexy about a dad. I mean, I agree with Annika that it’s maybe a bad idea to date one, there’s nothing hotter than a guy who loves children and is devoted to caring for his own. Sweet! Is Ty going to live in the Bachelor pad?
8:05 Given the “Bachelor” success record (Ryan & Trista are still together and Mary and the fisherman are still together, but volatile) isn’t it kind of…risky to go about finding love in this way, especially when you have a CHILD? Also, I really hope Jason had an age limitation — like, no girls under 28. Cause none of those 23-year-old bitches is going to be up for being a step-mom.
8:10 So far, these girls look younger than me. Ugh. Where are the 30-somethings!? I like the dark-haired girl with the accent. She looks legal. Oh and Jillian looks/sound mature too. Top two so far. Our first single mom! I think it will be very interesting to see if the single moms have an advantage with a single dad — part of me thinks yes, and part of me thinks that like any dude, Jason won’t be turned on by a single mom in the way a woman is turned on by a single dad.
8:13 A 25-year-old cheerleader? F**K OFF ABC. Renee may be the right age, but she is way Ana. Ack, and she has a vision board. Does she have Nicole Richie on her vision board? If Jackie is 26, I am 18. ZOMG, Stephanie needs to be on that Bad Eyebrow website we posted about in Quickies! BUT, she has a kid and a diseased deceased husband, so she could be good for Jason. And eyebrows can be fixed. Shelby? 23? I’m sorry, but she’s more of a match for Ty.
8:21 Sweet, here comes my favorite part: Judging The Women Based On Their Evening Wear. Also, Ty is tots going to be “The Bachelor” in 2034.
8:26 Ugh, boring chat with Jason. Chris Harrison really is obsessing over the fact that Jason was married before. Get over it, dork.
8:30 Bring on the Jessica McClintock!
Lauren: TACKY
Kari: FUGS/TOO TAN
Melissa: MEH. Classy?
Sharon: CUTE, awkies in an endearing way
Natalie: WHOA, BRONZER
Naomi: GREAT NAME, too young, cute dress
Megan: LOVELY
Stacia: MORMON
Jackie: UGHHHHHHH, HIDEOUS DRESS
Lisa: BUBBLY
Stephanie: EYEBROWS, but I kind of love her. She could be this season’s hot mess.
Treasure: STFU WITH THAT NAME
Raquel: AWESOME
Shelby: CUTE, but too young
Nikki: GLITTERY, but lovely, poised

8:43 Shall we continue? They’re all so squealy!
Molly: GOLFER, eh.
Erica: FUGS DRESS, but her personality seems nice.
Nicole: ASS-KISSING ORANGE DRESS
Renee: ANA CHICK. Seriously, her head appears huge.
Jillian: NUMBER ONE, so far. By far. She’s talking about hot dogs. I love hot dogs.
Dominique: GIGGLY, hell to the no. UGHS.
Emily: CRUNCHY HAIR
Julie: SEEMS SHY, which scores points with me.
Ann: PEPPY flight attendant
Shannon: FAKE TEETH. Her ugly fake teeth made me laugh, I admit. I love redneck teeth. If only they were real.

8:48 So far, Jillian FOR THE WIN. So, I’m 29 and I lovvvvvve kids and really want them some day, but even I don’t feel 100% ready, and I just checked the ages of all the bachelorettes on ABC.com. Seventy-six-percent of them are younger than me.
8:54 I know that Jason is 32, but he has a son — he should want someone older than effing 23. I swear, if he gets rid of any of the 28+ women, I am going to be pissed. Shannon wants to be a mom so bad? I’d like to see her reaction when Ty walks into the bedroom and he’s crapped his pants. She’s a dental hygienist and she is psycho. She’s been checking his MySpace. Hasn’t she ever read Cosmo? You don’t tell a dude that! Also, for a woman who’s obsessed with teeth, hers are kind of buck. Not to be mean.
8:57 Dom is effing ANNOYING. Ty is more mature. She DOES sell toe implants though. Finally, one of the 30+ women is stepping in! Although she did resign from her job to come on the show…her name is Sharon, and she seems sweet, and awkward, and normal. Not my fave, but she’s okay. Megan may be 25, but she does have a child, so provided she’s a good mom, she’s obviously more mature than the other 25 year olds. Oh no. A poem. Who the hell told her reading a crappy poem was a good idea? This is why I hate poetry.
9:00 Oh my god, my dog is a better poet. Nicole, though 25, seems cool because she found the poem awkward. Okay, so this hot dog topping debate — it’s just illegal to put ketchup on a hot dog. Yes, Jillian, mustard is the best topping. Jillian also says “dude” which we all know is my favorite way of addressing, um, anyone.
9:03 Sweet, the first impression rose! Give it to Jillian, Bach. Oh, I just thought of a nickname for the Bach this season. PAPA BACH. Like Papa Bear, only PAPA BACH. Genius, right? He has thus been dubbed from here on forward, PAPA BACH.
9:08 The notion that Jason likes brunette is stupid. We’ve only known him with one woman, DeAnna, and he had no choice but her. The Bobble Head chick is definitely a “Secret” follower and Oprah devotee. Papa Bach has no time for Oprah. Raquel has an advantage because all dudes are drawn to the “exotic” and when you’re in a room with nothing but bimbos, being Brazilian is pretty awesome.
9:12 Oh silly girl, Papa Bach doesn’t want an adventure with a girl who just got a place of her own. He wants a mom for his kid. Dumb ass. Yay, Eyebrows is getting her alone time! Eyebrows has had some Botox too. But he can’t get rid of her this early because she’s a widow and that would look bad. As bad as her eyebrows. So one of the tacky animal print women teaches government to 7th graders. I guess that’s kind of interesting. Seriously, I thought he was going to give her the first impression rose. Thank god no. She’s okay, but she’s not Jillian. So it’s clear that after the commercial, the women vote on who has to leave the party NOW, their dream of marrying Jason coming to an END. Dum dum dummmmmm….
9:18 ZOMG, need a pee break.
9:22 Oh man, they are going to vote out the chick they think is the biggest competition. See ya later, random single mom! Oh Jason, you act as if these women will vote with your best interests in mind. So naive. Who do you think is going home? I’m worried about Jillian. Okay, Jackie is CUH-RAZY. Also how long do you have to watch this show before you realize getting wasted is not going to get you a winning ticket? Let’s get rid of Jackie. Also, Lisa, STFU. You’re annoying. I like Megan, despite the fact that she left her 14-month-old at home. Okay, that’s kind of bad. I think Jason will be pissed if she goes home — you can tell he likes her. I think he needs to give her the first impression rose! He needs to save her. Yay! He is! Woohoo! Um, scratch that. He’s giving it to Nikki, the glittery girl. She’s cute. But she’s not one of the moms. Ugh. Well, at least she’s 29.
9:30 The Bachelor is the perfect example of why sleeping with someone on the first date isn’t the best idea. Before the first rose ceremony, it’s all about standing out, but creating intrigue. NOOOO! They voted Megan out! But she’s leaving with a rose tonight! Proving that Papa Bach and ABC know that these bitches will vote out their competition, not who they think isn’t right for Jason. YAY, Megan! Papa Bach looked worried she would be leaving, so I think she should feel confident that she was meant to stay. Screw those young, childless beyatches.
9:41 I only care that he keeps Eyebrows and Jillian. The rest are bland to me, at least so far.
9:46 Will this never end? I’m just going to rundown, in order, who he keeps, ‘kay? Then I’ll tally up who got the boot.
GOT A ROSE: Lauren, Kari/Carrie(?), Naomi, Natalie (Seriously? Tan face? Ugh), Molly, Raquel (Told ya!), Stephanie (Eyebrows!!!!!), Melissa (Yay! TexasGirl are you excited?), Jillian (Woohoo!!!), Shannon, Lisa, Sharon (The chick who left her job…)….LAST ROSE…GOES TO… Erica. Sweet, I liked her.
GOT DISSED: Shelby, Treasure, Nicole, Renee & Her Vision Board, Emily, Ann, Julie, Dominique, Jackie, Stacia, and…uh…two more? Shoot. Oh wait, Megan got the fake elimination rose and Nikki got the first impression. So that’s 15 total. Okay. Ugh, math.

Thanks for joining me! Be sure to come back next week, in which I will forgo all tempting Monday evening plans in order to get drunk and watch Papa Bach deal with these crazy bitches.

ZOMG, DeAnna comes back to BEG for Jason back. Holy crap. What the eff is wrong with her?! Has she no pride? Does she miss the spotlight? DEANNA PAPPAS SUCKS. I said it.

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