• Relationships

Don’t Do It: Sex On The First Date

I’m going to make a general statement here that’s probably going to get me flamed. If you have any interest in something more than sexual with a guy, do not have sex with him on the first date. While I’m usually against such “dating rules,” there are some logical conclusions I’ve come to after observing men and women, hearing war stories from friends, and listening to the advice of male friends whom I respect. With obvious exceptions (yes, I’m sure you do know someone who slept with her husband of 60 years on the first date), the chance of having a long-term relationship with someone goes down, way down, if you bone on the first date. On New Year’s Eve I was hanging out at a party with my friend and her husband. This happens to be the same friend and husband through whom I met my $527 dry hump partner a few weeks ago. My friend’s husband and I were talking — I’ll call him Edward — about the fact that I had written about my expensive first makeout session on The Frisky. Edward had read the post and said that he thought both myself and the Colombian came off well in the story — me, because I didn’t sleep with him, and the Colombian because he was written up as this hot piece of ass who helped rid me of my post-breakup funk.

The former part interested me — was it such a big deal that I didn’t sleep with him? Truthfully, I was kind of regretting it. The make out was so fun, humping him would have been even better! And not that I want to have a serious relationship with the Colombian, but I will say I have never been good at having emotionless sex and one-night-stands have always left me feeling crappy.

Edward, who has been happily married to my friend for over a year (after dating for four years before that), told me matter-of-factly, “If my wife and I had slept together on the first date, I can guarantee you we would have never been married.” This was almost insane to hear from him — they did not have a slow courtship at all. If I remember correctly, within three weeks they were saying I love you and within just a few months they were living together. Still, they waited at least a few dates before doing the nasty and Edward credits that for building up enough intrigue which eventually led to them falling in love and getting married. But sleep together right away and, “the mystery is gone before it can even be cultivated,” he said. So does that mean there’s a set amount of time that you should wait before giving up the ill-na-na? “Look, you’re not dealing with a complicated species,” Edward said. “You can sleep with him anytime after you’ve left him panting at the end of the first date!”

A lot can be said for being honest about your intentions and feeling and for not playing games when you’re dating or in a relationship. For the most part, I try to stick to that. I think “don’t ever call him” and “decline all date invitations that don’t have at least three days notice” rules are ridiculous and total B.S. I don’t even necessarily agree wholeheartedly with Wendy’s assertion that a woman should never say “I love you” first. But I also think, in our urge to reject rules and go after what we want, that we forget humans are animals, with animal instincts. Sure, we’ve learned to understand them and control them, but when was the last time you were crazy about a guy who “came on too strong?” We can’t help when our minds and bodies make us “lose interest” in an otherwise great person. For whatever stupid biological reason, men (and to a certain degree, women) love the pursuit, the mystery, the not-knowing-what-the-hell-she’s-thinking SPARK of the initial stages of dating.

If you’ve got that spark for someone, and you want it to continue, don’t f**k him on the first date. Yeah, you may not be getting laid in the first exact OMG moment that you want to, but since when do you take orders from your vagina?

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