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Recently, I described a mutual friend to my friend T. as “the guy with the big c**k.” Then I felt a little guilty, like I was giving away a huge (zing!) secret; she was surprised at this description, having never thought about him in a sexual way, whereas I meant it as both a compliment and simply what I remember best about our time as f**k buddies. It also made me remember another guy with a unique but still vexing sexual problem: the too-big dick. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there is such a thing as too much when it comes to penis size. Bigger is not necessarily better, and while I’ve been with one or two guys who bordered on overly large, this one should win some sort of booby prize.It was a few years ago now, so I don’t recall every detail, but what I remember is that the first time we did it, he was on top of me, and then he was inside me, and he was huge. Bigger than anyone I’d ever been with. “And I’m only halfway in,” he said proudly. Clearly, he knew just how unusual his package was. “Really?” I asked. I quickly got my answer, when he proceeded to thrust deeper into me and I winced. It wasn’t painful exactly, but it wasn’t comfortable, and it certainly wasn’t sexy. I tried to shift to make myself more at ease, but missionary position just wasn’t working.

Another old flame with an extra-large schlong thought it would be a good idea to spring anal sex on me, like, “Surprise, I’m back there!” I would have done anything for him, and was in a particularly experimental and kinky phase then, but even so, he was too big to fit there. “No, we have to stop,” I told him almost immediately. (I’m sure with some lube and warm up we might’ve gotten a little further, but he should’ve known better than to just go for it.)

What amuses me is that men seem so hung up, so to speak, about the size of their dicks, even though, spam and weight-bearing exercises promises be damned, there’s really nothing they can do about it. In general, it seems like men who are overly endowed make for the more arrogant lovers. On the other hand, I once had a lover who I still think has what I’d term the perfect penis. It was big, but not too big, and he was able to keep getting hard again and again, to the point that I was late to a job because I couldn’t stop touching it. But what I liked best about him was that he was seemingly unaware of his manhood’s excellence. It wasn’t false modesty, but a genuine fascination with my fascination, and that made him all the cuter.

I’m not a size queen, though, and would never reject a guy simply based on his penis size, large or small. I’d rather be with someone on either extreme who I was truly in love with and passionate about than someone who simply has a perfect dick but nothing between their ears.

So if there’s any concluding lesson here, it would be to let guys know that their attitude and approach to their penises—and, by extension, their lovemaking—are way more important than a number on a ruler. Even the guys who are what most girls would consider “too big” can get the action they want if they let the girl get on top and run the show. Don’t be too much of a showman or assume that you’ve got it made because you’re packing.

And to those on the smaller end of the spectrum, try positions like doggie-style, and get good at using your hands, tongue, and, best of all, your brain. It truly is the size of that organ that is what will make me swoon. You’d be amazed at what talking dirty can do to “pump you up,” literally and figuratively. I can walk away from a big dick far more easily than a big brain.

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