Excuse Me, Bartender? There A Piece of A** In My Drink

In the land of booze, there’s no doubt that sex sells. We’re used to seeing the half-clad woman on a billboard, covering her crotch with a bottle of vodka. But why do we combine drink names with sex? Is it because of the good laugh we all have when asking a hot bartender, “Can you make me a Spread Eagle?” Whatever the reason, these sexy drinks usually have outlandish names with disgusting, random, sugary ingredients — things that no self-respecting boozehounds would ever order or put down their gullet. But damn, they’re fun. After the jump, a sexy drink sampling. Sex on the Beach (vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry, and orange juice)
This is probably the most notorious of all sexual innuendo drinks. But if you’ve ever had sex on the beach, you know two things: a) You have to be prepared and b) you’re rarely prepared. You need a blanket big enough to protect two semi-naked bodies from touching the sand, or else you’re getting sand everywhere, making this a most uncomfortable (albeit unforgettable) screw. This cocktail ain’t half bad, even if it is sweet, but the real sex on the beach is anything but. Proceed with caution.

Slow Comfortable Screw (sloe gin, Southern Comfort, and orange juice)
Who doesn’t want a slow comfortable screw? You probably wouldn’t if you’ve ever had sloe gin, which is a nauseatingly sweet gin flavored with sloe plums, or Southern Comfort, the trailer trash version of a soda pop. But if you are going for this theme, you might as well try a Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against a Wall (same as above, add vodka and Galliano). And in case you have a thing for south of the border action, you could try a Slow, Comfortable Screw up Against a Wall in Mexico (same as above, add tequila). Because we all know that adding tequila to the equation makes everything mejor, no?

Piece of A** (Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sour mix)
Anything with Southern Comfort as a main ingredient has to make you shake yer head. Sure, it’s good when you’re looking to spice up a diet coke (the Southern sorority sisters’ drink of choice), but you can just picture the type of guy that orders a “Piece of A**”: he’s got a huge chaw of tobacco under his gum, a piece of straw between his lips, and is wearing Wranglers so tight you could bounce a quarter off his thigh. Entering the bar, he yells, “I’m gon’ get me a Piece of A** tonight — ewwweee!” Then he’s over at the jukebox, playing — you guessed it — “Free Bird,” while subtly trying to grind himself up against your leg in a drunken stupor. I mean, amaretto and Southern Comfort with sour mix? You’d have to be born in a barn in the deep south to think that’s a good enough drink to get you some.

Buttery Nipple (Bailey’s Irish Cream, Butterscotch Schnapps)
This is one drink, and name, I can stand behind. Not that I’m a big fan of having butter poured or rubbed on my nipples or anything. I much prefer Extra Virgin Olive Oil, or as Rachel Ray likes to say, EVOO. It’s much easier on the nipple than butter, and does wonders for moisturizing the breast area. And, you can understand why the drink has its name. The shot is smooth and creamy and may lead to more than just butter being melted.

Fuzzy Dick (Kahlua, Gran Marnier, coffee, whipped cream)
In theory, this drink should be a hit during the winter, say, après ski or when snow is blanketing your city streets. But there’s something about the idea of a man heavily layered in thermals, sweaty from a day of skiing or snow shoveling, with little to no air circulating through his genital area, that doesn’t mix with the phrase “fuzzy dick.” Fuzzy dick gives me a very bad, very long-lasting mental image. But the drink is good. And leaves you with a whipped cream-wrapped mouth.

Screaming Orgasm (Kahlua, Irish Cream, Amaretto, vodka)
There is no doubt in my mind that you’re likely to have a screaming something after drinking this mixture of booze, booze, booze, and, yes, booze. The worst part about it is that it goes down so easy. While that sounds like fun, you may not remember this so-called “screaming” orgasm.

The Handjob (Jack Daniels and Squirt)
This cocktail, created by my friend Sean Hancock (no, really, that’s his real last name) is one of my favorite sexy drinks, because the ingredients define the name and vice-versa. The best part is that the bartender won’t know how to make it, so after asking for a Handjob, you get to say, “you know, it’s Jack n’ Squirt.”

The Leg Spreader
A friend of mine, who worked at a Berkeley brewery, coined this term for a particularly good, particularly high alcohol content beer. The beer was widely consumed and widely praised for its ability to part more than just lips. Most people think that they can “handle” it, but this brew comes up and sneaks off their panties faster than you can say “I luv dese beerz … burp.”

See also: Between the Sheets, C***sucking Cowboy, and French Kiss. Bottoms up!

Want to read more articles like this one? Visit DivineCaroline.com.