Us Weekly Helps You Drop Weight Like A Star!

Hey look! It’s my least favorite issue of Us Weekly — “2009 Diets That Work!”! That is, CELEB diets that work — all of the diets, workout plans, and “weight loss tricks” are ones that have worked for big money stars like Jennifer Aniston (such a fatty before, RIGHT?), Britney Spears, and Beyonce. And by the way, only women are featured in the “28 page bonus” section (ZOMG, I am tots getting my $3.99 worth). Sure, the vast majority of Us’s readers are female, and presenting the perfectly perfect bodies of celebs is supposed to be aspirational, but c’mon. Gimme a few male chubsters who lost some weight and how they did it — like Horatio Sanz and Seth Rogan. I want to know how those guys — who were truly overweight — lost the lard. Six Celebrity Diets That Work:

1. DON’T SPLURGE: Just look at Jennifer Aniston. “She might have a bit of guacamole, but that’s it!”

2. SCREW THE “RECOMMENDED” DAILY AMOUNT OF CALORIES: Britney Spears didn’t go from grotesque whale to super svelte by listening to the FDA. She opts for 1,100- to 1,200-calorie-a-day delivered meals.

3. LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY, “MY BUTT IS THE SIZE OF A HOUSE”: Even if you’re only a size six. Anne Hathaway did it, then took up pilates, and now she might be nominated for an Oscar!

4. GET A NANNY, WORK OUT FOR TWO HOURS A DAY: Want super long, lean legs like Gwyneth Paltrow. Send the kids off with a nanny or your snaggle-toothed husband and work out for two hours minimum everyday.

5. GO VEGAN, GO BORING: At least, that’s the way to do it on the “Skinny Bitch” diet, followed by Natalie Portman, Lake Bell, and Pamela Anderson. You also may want to chain yourself to your hemp couch though, as you literally cannot ingest anything besides soy, nuts and seeds, fruits, and veggies. No alcohol, no coffee, no dairy, no fun. (Note to our vegan readers: I’m not dogging on veganism in general, just the “Skinny Bitch” method of veganism.)

6. WASTE FOOD: When you go out to eat, throw away half of what’s on your plate. That’s how Ricki Lake has kept off her “Hairspray”-era poundage.