Mind Of Man: Mouth Love Is Meh

Blow jobs are overrated. There. I said it. I know men who would fight a grizzly bear with a spork for a little mouth love. I also know women who guard their oral sexing technique the way a pharmaceutical company protects its most precious patents. But I’m just not a dude who loves blow jobs. I’m an active guy, when it comes to being intimate with a woman, and laying back and letting her go down on me has always felt passive to me. Disconnected. As if I could lean back and read the Economist or slurp a bowl of soup while being, uhhh, serviced.

You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper, and spit out an origami swan.

It feels good, sure. But not that good. I can’t get off if she’s all the way down there. I need her eyes, her mouth, her words, to really achieve anything that can reasonably be defined as sexual satisfaction. For the record, feeling sexually “satisfied” is very underrated. That deeply comforting post-coital buzz that can only come when one’s appetite is blissfully sated.

Am I the only dude who feels this way? I mean, I think I am. There are plenty of women who dislike men going down on them, which is something I enjoy doing. That might be hypocritical, but it just is. I don’t really have a sweet tooth, but I enjoy making a mean chocolate pecan pie. There are other things I’d rather do with a lover than getting a “knobber.”

I know what you’re thinking. That this is some clever, douche-tastic ploy to get a blow job. Women are aloof and bashful when it comes to their sexual egos, unlike men. Yes, it’s an example of the unfairness of gender politics. Women are embarrassed by their desires; men flaunt them. But women have huge egos when it comes to pleasing their men. I floated my thoughts for this column past a female friend of mine, that I thought blow jobs were overrated, and her half-joking instinctual response was, “Well, I’ll show you.”

Every woman I have dated has come to the table with her own trademarked methods: some of them the result of experience, some of them experiments to be tossed aside or added to their internal, carnal repertoire. It’s hilarious and utterly endearing. They’ve shown off double-fist techniques, road-tested tongue twirls, tried different rhythms. Some ignore the testicles, some are all about them. I knew a chick who sincerely loved to give head. Her choreography was a well-timed ballet of strokes, deep-throating, tickling, and unparalleled tongue acrobatics. You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper and spit out an origami swan.

I am not criticizing motives here. It is good, and it is right to want to please the person you’re hooking up with. I think men have become more aggressive about giving women head because we’re tired of not being able to satisfy you with penetrative sex. We want to get you off. Nothing is hotter in the known universe than being able to give a woman an eyeball-spinning orgasm. I’m not a jerk about receiving; as a pre-game trifle, it can be fun. But I keep returning to the idea that it is strangely impersonal. There’s not enough give and take, back and forth, and the sweaty exchange of human energies is the entire point, the fun of it all.

The dynamics between men and women are rooted in power plays, dominance and submission. I know some men love getting a blow job, being able to demand and get what they want. I know Amelia caught some flack for resolving not to give out blow jobs this year as generously as she did last year. What’s odd is the notion that a sexual act can scheduled, that one partner expects it. I think sexual favors are like gifts. They should be freely given, never expected, never taken for granted. That is, if oral sex is your thing.

It’s not my thing. I like to make out too much.

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